Final Thoughts
by MerryxMaking
Summary: Upon hearing that he has a year to live, Kiku Honda decides to make a diary of his final twelve months. How typical is it that it happens to be one of the best years he can remember. GreecexJapan and loads more. Rating will go up
1. Chapter 1

January 2nd, 2010

Dear Diary,

I came back from the doctor's today. It was exactly what they expected – Ardenocarcinoma. I didn't get what it was at first either, but long story short I have lung cancer. Doctor Roderich (he said I can use his first name, considering I'll be seeing a lot of him. The nurse with us mumbled something about wishing _she_ could see more of him. I don't know either) said it's the most common type of lung cancer for second-hand smokers. It was nice to not have to argue with him that no, I don't smoke. I never have. He also said I have a year to live. That's right – I may not be here this time next year. I imagined I would tell everyone today, but that never happened. You see, Arthur-san also got a reply from a publishing firm saying that they'll make him a published author. He was so happy – not that I blame him, 66 rejections is a lot – and so was everyone else:

"_Look guys!! LOOK!!" Arthur-san jumped around excitedly – something the man would never do, especially in public. He waved a piece of paper and envelope in his hand as he jumped. I was about to say something about the cancer beforehand, but seeing Arthur-san jump around like a small child intrigued me so much I almost forgot it existed. Alfred-san finally managed to hold him down long enough to wrench what was obviously a letter from Arthur-san's hand.  
"Hey guys! Someone's accepted him!! Alright Arthur!" He ruffled the older man's hair, and for once he didn't care. We all understood immediately – he was finally being published. Arthur-san had spent so long trying to get his book into the shops and it seemed that each letter was just one rejection after another. We all tried to keep his hopes high by telling him that all the great authors had many rejections before being accepted. We all applauded and hugged and congratulated him, and it was genuine. That story was as much a part of us as it was a part of Arthur-san, and so we were so happy to see that it was finally taking wing._

No, when I saw the faces of those around me and realised how happy I was for my friend, I knew that today would not be the day. I could not ruin the scene around me – how selfish would that be?

_In a moment of pure ecstasy, Arthur-san had agreed to take everyone out for drinks – and he was going to pay. Not that he's a stingy person, but it was odd for him to be so genuinely…well, nice. Alfred-san and Francis-san took advantage of the situation and drank themselves to the point where standing proved impossible. I did not drink much – I was not yet on medication, but I needed to get used to cutting alcohol out of my life. I never drank much anyway, so it was not suspicious. But there more – Heracles-san was there. And well, if last year's entries were not a big enough giveaway – I have feelings for him. VERY strong feelings for him. At some point this year I will tell him this – it's not as if I have much time for an aftermath.  
"Let's live tonight like we're dying guys!" Oh, if only Alfred-san knew the reality of his words. We all cheered and toasted Arthur-san and his new book, then Feliciano-kun (not yet drunk, just more carefree than usual) toasted to Arthur-san and Alfred-san – did I forget to mention last year? They got together just after Christmas. About time too. Arthur-san turned redder than the wine in Feliciano-kun's and Francis-san's hands and slurred something totally incoherent at him. Alfred-san just laughed and toasted along with the rest of us. I cannot really remember what happened with them after that – because Heracles-san started talking to me. I know, I sound slightly obsessive, but really I was trying to clear my mind of alcohol and cancer-related thoughts so that I could hear him. He seemed to sense something was not right.  
"You're being…quiet. More so than usual, anyway" he had told me, obviously hinting as to whether I was okay. I smiled and told him not to worry about me. To be fair, I could have said something, but today was Arthur-san's day.  
"You were gone…a lot today…where were you?" Yes, Heracles-san is a bit spacey when he speaks, but believe me, he's a very intelligent man. It does surprise people, especially when he randomly says something philosophical.  
"Ah…ano….I was just visiting someone, I had things to discuss with them" Heracles-san nodded, but did not pry further. He was very good at respecting people's privacy, and he knew that if I wanted him to know something I would tell him.  
Some days I feel he understands me better than Aniki, who I remember was shouting at everyone for forgetting Matthew-kun's existence. He was relatively drunk – you had to be to include Ivan-sama in any form of scolding._

_I spent the rest of our time in the bar talking to Heracles-san, although Aniki and Arthur-san did decide to ask us to agree with them on things I cannot really remember. It was nice to just be with him – even if my chest did hurt a bit when I had to leave him. I'm sure that was just the cancer though. We talked about how his career was going – he's been promoted to Head Surgeon at the his clinic, but to be fair I've never seen a more dedicated vet – and how he took in yet another abandoned kitten. I still wonder where he finds room for all of them. I'm sure that if he were not a vet himself, his veterinary bills would be through the roof. I decided to leave early – I have a 10 o'clock appointment with Dr. Roderich tomorrow and I really cannot afford to be late. Thankfully no one noticed that it was only 11 PM and happily waved me off. Heracles-san offered to take me home, saying that he would probably be better off not getting completely plastered as well. He needed to take care of sick animals, not hangovers. Again, it was nice being with him, just the two of us. And the cool night air made it easier to clear my mind. I remember we laughed when we remembered the look on Aniki's face when he realised that when he had shouted at everyone, Ivan-sama had been included. And we laughed even more when we remembered how he had managed to make up some excuse – and Ivan-sama had taken it. And I smiled when he pointed out a certain constellation – Aries, I think it was – and because we were too busy looking at the stars we did not notice ourselves drift closer to each other. When I realised this I panicked and apologised, much to his amusement. Well done Kiku Honda – you have officially made an idiot of yourself in front of him. Again. When we finally reached the door of my apartment, I suddenly realised how much I didn't want Heracles-san to go. I honestly though I was going to tell him how I feel. But I'm not that spontaneous. How I wish I were though.  
"Well…I suppose I'll see you later then-"  
"Tomorrow! I-I mean, I want to see everyone tomorrow." I felt myself blush furiously, and looked at the hallway floor so that Heracles-san would not see. That was the second time I had made an idiot of myself in front of the man I love. But he just smiled at me.  
"I…would like to see you tomorrow too, Kiku. Rest well" He smiled one last time and left me. I wish he would not say things like that – he has no idea how much they affect me._

And that was the main events of today. I swear I will tell at least Aniki tomorrow, but as far as Dr. Roderich is concerned they all know. He would just get annoyed at me if he found out they didn't – he made sure I knew exactly how severe this was and how I must make sure everyone knows in case something happens…etc. The man means well, but to say it in such a sombre and serious tone really did not make me feel any better. He did not have to remind me that I'm slowly dying.  
I've never put it that way before – it's a bit scary.

I think I should try and sleep now. If I'm seen yawning I might get lectured. Wish me all the best for tomorrow, I have a feeling I may need it.

Kiku. xo


	2. Chapter 2

January 5th, 2010

Dear Diary,

The last few days have not exactly gone as planned either. I never got around to seeing everyone on the 3rd, and I wanted to visit Arthur-san yesterday but for that obviously didn't happen either:

_I hoped Arthur-san wouldn't mind me showing up unannounced. As I walked along the corridor to his apartment, I heard some faint voices. Brushing them off as none of my business, I carried on down to see my friend. But I could not help but notice the voices grow louder, and I grew even more suspicious when I distinguished them as Arthur-san and Alfred-san. Hey, I'm allowed to be curious too. Although in hindsight, I do wish I wasn't. I had not even reached Arthur-san's door before I stopped dead in my tracks.  
"A-Alfred stop!! NOW!!"  
"Ahh, come on Artie, you know you want it~" I could begin to guess what was happening, and obviously it would be very disturbing if I just stood and listened in on them. Not to mention rude. I started walking away, but (of course) they had to be very, very loud. And the corridor was very long (or so it seemed, I did end up running…I don't want to know about __that__!!)  
"Mmmmm…A-Alfred…aah…" That was when I started running. But it got worse, and that was when I realised the length of the corridor. Of all times, why did it have to be so long then?  
"Oh...oh...God…m-more, Alfred..." Finally, the door. Needless to say I was not going to try and contact either of them. It would have been far too awkward anyway._

I know, that was not something I needed to hear. I really pity the people who live next to either of them, especially if they have small children. Or anyone remotely like Feliciano-kun – either way, they're very impressionable. So moving on rather swiftly, I've been going to see Dr. Roderich everyday. That nurse is always there too, Elizaveta she said her name was (those people don't seem to mind being on first-name terms, it's very unusual). She's very nice, but I do think her feelings for Dr. Roderich go much further than their professional relationship. Oh well, the best of luck to her. Anyway, he says I should start my treatment as soon as possible, so that I can live for the rest of the year and possibly a little longer, depending on how well everything goes. He's a bit strict and doesn't seem as light-hearted as Nurse Elizaveta, but he's a very good doctor and I trust him greatly. So far I have not given him anything to get angry at him about, but he always seems a little exasperated whenever Nurse Elizaveta starts mumbling under her breath about him. I cannot see why – she usually says nice things.

But on a much more serious note – I finally got everyone together today, which meant I had to stop procrastinating and tell them. I feel much better now, because I know that they'll understand if I start doing odd things which coincide with my treatment and other such things. Still, it was not a fun thing to do. It saddens me to think that I must have ruined what had on the surface seemed like such a lovely meeting with everyone (except Ivan-sama, but I will not ask where he was for my own safety. I do not plan on dying just yet).

_Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, but all of them had this air of waiting about them. Not a surprise, I had told them all that I wanted to talk to them about something, and I was yet to tell them what that something was. A small part of me hoped that they would forget and we could all just have a nice day, but I ignored it. I was not afraid of telling them – I was afraid of their reactions. Would some of them just not care? It was a ridiculous thought, but I could not help it being there. But I pushed it away with the little voice telling me to make up some stupid excuse. Anything that was not the truth would do.  
"Hey, Kiku! There was a reason for all of this, no? You must tell us all now what it is that you want us all to know" Francis-san's accent made the situation just seem even less serious. How typical of him. Praying that my voice would not go, I took centre stage. Everyone was already looking at me expectantly.  
"Ah, yes. Well…this isn't easy to explain...but I know I should just come out and say it straight otherwise I never will, so…" I took a deep breath, and – just like taking of a plaster – I closed my eyes and just did it.  
"I have cancer. I also have roughly a year left to live."_

_Silence. Possibly the worst thing to follow something like that. Pure, unbroken silence. I slowly opened my eyes, so I could assess the damage. Aniki did not make a sound but tears were already rolling down his face; and he shook his head in disbelief. Arthur-san's eyes were watering, but he was obviously holding back. It was so typical of him to not want to cry. It seemed that the silence went on forever before Aniki finally spoke.  
"No, aru." His voice cracked slightly as he spoke; a telltale sign.  
"Aniki…please don't cry…" It was supposed to be an inside thought, but for some reason I felt it would help for me to say it. In a matter of second he had stood up from where he was sitting and began hugging me tightly. I knew Aniki would be one of the ones who would take it the worst.  
"Y-you…can't…aru. Y-you just c-can't, aru!" Although he was shouting, I did not flinch. I knew he was upset, not angry. I hugged him back and tod him everything would be alright, which I knew I should not have done. I could not promise him that. By now some of the others had started discussing amongst themselves. They came up to me and asked me question after question, most of which had the same reply.  
"It's too early to tell. I only found out a few days ago…"  
"Well why didn't you tell us then!?" Arthur-san shouted, obviously just as upset as everyone else but as if he'd ever fully show it.  
"Because you had gotten your letter, and everyone was so happy…" Arthur-san stared at me in horror, as if my illness was entirely his fault. It was not his fault that I happened to be one of those unfortunate second-hand smokers the NHS always talk about.  
"Y-you could've said something…I mean, cancer's not just something you take lightly!! This is serious Kiku!" Although he was still not crying, Arthur-san was growing more and more distressed. Alfred-san had hugged him in an attempt to calm him down. Always the hero, Alfred-san would be strong throughout the whole thing. He would tell us all to keep hoping that maybe – just maybe – this might all go away. Everyone stopped asking questions and began telling me that everything would be alright, in the same unsure tone that I had used to comfort Aniki._

_It was a good few hours before people started leaving. Each departure was treated like the last one each of them would ever have with me. Aniki was still sobbing slightly when he decided to leave.  
"Aniki, if you don't want to go you don't have to-"  
"No, no, aru. If I don't then I'll just start crying again aru." He smiled sadly at me, and I wiped a long tear from his face, also smiling back. I hoped it would make him feel better.  
"Take care of yourself, Kiku. I'll come see you tomorrow."  
"I'm at the doctor's in the morning, but I'll call you. Take care, Aniki" With that, he hugged me and left. Heracles-san was still with me. He had barely said anything all evening, and I was wondering what he felt. He truly was a mysterious person.  
"Kiku…tell me honestly…what are the chances of it going away?" I sighed. I had hoped no one would ask that.  
"I-I'm not sure, Heracles-san. Dr. Roderich says it doesn't look good though" He looked at the floor, almost as if he wanted to say something but seized up at the last minute. I've experienced that around him so many times. I never noticed him walk across the room and hold me. His grip was firm, but not painful – it was as if he never wanted to let go. It sounds almost pathetic, but it made me so happy. Scared that he would in fact let go (well, I knew he would, but I was once again trying to prolong the inevitable) I clung onto him, in need of someone strong for me to turn to. As much as I appreciated Alfred-san's support, he belonged to Arthur-san.  
"I don't want you to go." It was barely a whisper, but I heard it. I wondered if he could feel my heart racing.  
"I still have time, and a lot of hope, Heracles-san."  
"I promise, this will be the best year of your life." He pulled away slightly so he could face me when he said this – to reinforce the seriousness of his promise. I smiled at him, and nodded in agreement. This year would be the best ever – it had to be. He then took my face in his hands, and our noses were touching. I felt like my heart was going to beat its way out of my chest, and I'm very sure my face was completely red. But that obviously didn't matter to him, because he still kissed me; short and sweet, but he still kissed me. His lips were so soft, and it was one of the best feelings I had ever felt. I felt cold when he finally let go of me, but he still smiled lovingly at me. That's right – __lovingly.__  
"I'll see you later, Kiku. Please, rest well and listen to your doctor." I smiled.  
"Yes, see you later, Heracles-san" He had not said he loved me, but for then I was content with the memory of his kiss. Was it possible that he did love me after all?  
Maybe Kami-sama was finally throwing some good fortune my way._

I know, it's been an eventful day. The only reason why I'm still awake is because I'm still hyped about the fact that Heracles-san kissed me. Of his own accord. I can't wait to see him again. I hope Aniki and Arthur-san are feeling better.  
I should try to sleep now; so many people said I should.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: Shh. You guy all knew this was coming. And look, I threw in a little bit of GreecexJapan fluff because I'm very impatient with myself. ^^ Poor Arthur, it's not his fault…  
Honestly, next chapter will be funny. Until then guys! And thanks for all the people who favourite/reviewed, it really means a lot to me. Kiku will give you all sake to say thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

January 10th, 2010

Dear Diary,

Again, a pretty uneventful time. Aniki has been seeing me everyday and although I tell him again and again not to blame himself, Arthur-san's pretty convinced this is all his fault. I hope Alfred-san manages to talk him out of it, because I obviously can't. But Aniki was the one who's really taken it badly – I think even I took it better than he has, and I'm the one dying. Don't get me wrong, I hate thinking about it. The whole prospect of not being here this time next year terrifies me, and I can't help but count down each of the days – time seems to go by so quickly when you're trying to hold onto it for as long as you can. So I try not to let our conversations revolve around that, but I often find myself struggling to find other things. Especially when Dr. Roderich says it might be helpful for Aniki to go with me during consultations – for 'emotional support' (though I feel he needs it more than I do). But I don't want to rant about sad things; I'm not in the mood for it. I'm far too happy right now – in fact, I am ecstatic. And that's no joke, I really can't remember the last time I felt this excited. It's been so depressing lately, so I really needed this. I should stop smiling, but then again I do not see why I should not. I genuinely cannot believe this happened.

_Just another 'Kiku's-going-to-die-so-let's-be-extra-nice-to-him' day. I know they all had the best of intentions, and Kami bless them for trying, but the constant pitiful talk was getting a bit much. And it had only been five days since I told them. Aniki was still very upset, and I did tell him that if visiting me made him upset then he should take some time to calm down, but he insisted that he make sure I'm okay. I know, he's a very good brother to me – he always has been. He took the issue of telling my other siblings off my back (for which I could not have been more grateful), and naturally I spent a lot of time on the phone to them explaining why they heard it from Aniki and yes, they could come see me. I was turning into some bizarre tourist attraction for my friends and family – you've not done it all until you've seen Kiku Honda. But again, bless their hearts because they meant well. Meimei sat in tears for a little while but despite her physical weakness she's got a strong heart. But that was a few days ago, and I digress._

_Reverting back to reality from my brief mental summary of the past few days, I looked around to find Arthur-san, Alfred-san, Matthew-kun and Aniki all staring at me as if zoning out was now a new form of dying. I smiled and decided that maybe I should start talking again, except I had no idea what to say. Thank all things living for Matthew-kun's ability to go unnoticed – he ended up giving us a lot to talk about.  
"Um…are you okay Kiku, eh?" Yes, it only took Matthew-kun's innocent kindness to make us all smile.  
"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WAS THAT!?" Alfred-san yelled, whilst standing and looking around the room with such accidental flamboyance that we all had to muffle our laughs. When Matthew-kun coughed and waved slightly at his older brother, Alfred-san once again yelled and managed to fall over my coffee table in the process. Not only did he fall flat on his face, but he also managed to bring the table down with him, which meant he spilt hot tea all over himself. This resulted in him yelling and flailing his arms about even more. Arthur-san had one hand covering his face, but we could tell he was laughing just as hard as the rest of us. Of course he was never going to let Alfred-san live this down. Even Matthew-kun was giggling at his brother, who finally managed to compose himself and sat down, trying to disappear in the same way his brother did, and failing very badly at it. It kept us all amused for a long time, most of us randomly laughing at the memory. Poor Alfred-san. But I really was thankful – his little stunt had lightened the mood so much, and we did not talk about my illness. He made up a ridiculous excuse to leave, which basically translated into 'you're making fun of me so I'm going'. Arthur-san laughed and decided he should go and give Alfred-san his sense of humour back. Everyone left relatively early, with Matthew-kun terrified that his brother hated him and Aniki needing to look over a patient's file (his knowledge from years of working in a hospital was the only reason why he understood everything without understanding, and it was also why he had learnt to expect the worst). I remembered suddenly that Heracles-san was not there today. Obviously, he had to work as well. Still, it was different without him there, I cannot explain how, it just was. I could not see him as often as I would like to naturally, and I was not heartbroken that he had not visited me today, especially as he had altered his hours a couple of days ago so that he could see me. I felt incredibly touched by this._

_I had been happily drinking tea and watching Scrubs (Alfred-san had told me to watch it and well, I found it funny. Besides, it made me feel better about being ill) when the phone rang. I was shocked – who would call me at 9 PM? Nonetheless, I picked up.  
"Hello?"  
"Oh…hello, Kiku" I knew that voice instantly. Why was Heracles-san calling so late? After the predictable routine of asking how each other how we were and telling each other that we're fine, there was a silence. Not long enough to be awkward, but long enough for each of us to notice it was there. He obviously wanted to say something, but it was strange of him to not do so. Heracles-san was usually rather forward, as is typical with his Grecian nature. Whatever this was, it was serious, and I would be patient until he found the right way to tell me.  
"Um…Kiku…I was wondering…"  
"Yes, Heracles-san?"  
"Just…maybe…if you wanted to go out…with me…if you want" What. Did Heracles-san just ask me out? For a few seconds I actually could not speak, even though my mind was screaming at me to say yes. I never in all the time I had known him thought he would do this. Yes, he did kiss me. But Greeks are very open and I thought that in his culture that might have just been something friendly. Obviously not though, but as if I minded.  
"A-absolutely." I think he was just as shocked by my answer as I was by his question. Did he honestly not realise how much he means to me? I know he's an intelligent man, but sometimes he could be a bit of an idiot. Realising that he was still processing what I just said, I decided that maybe I should make something more official before one of us freaked out and hung up. That would be very, very annoying.  
"Is…tomorrow okay?" I was relieved that he said something, but even I must admit he responded very quickly. If he did have plans for tomorrow, they were obviously going to change.  
"Yes, yes of course! I'll pick you up at…7? I-I'd really like…to take you out for dinner" Wow, a dinner date. Mentally, I was all over the place.  
"That's fine. I'll see you then" He couldn't see me, but I'm sure he could tell that I was smiling. I could tell that he was smiling too.  
"Yeah….until then, Kiku. Take care" And we both hung up. There was nothing then that could have made me lose that massive grin I was wearing. I was going on a date with Heracles-san. Nothing could be better than that._

Again, I'm too excited to sleep. It still seems so surreal, but I'm not going to question it. And I have just realised I have (as girlish as this sounds) no idea what to wear. Why am I thinking about that now? I have most of tomorrow to decide. Oh the joys of working from home. I can't wait for tomorrow. For the first time since I've been diagnosed, I wish time would just hurry up. I can't stop wondering what it's going to be like. I have to tell Arthur-san and Aniki tomorrow – they're the only ones who know about my feelings for Heracles-san. I am now going to attempt sleep. I'll probably fail to get much, but what's the harm in trying.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: Awwww isn't Greece a sweet little thing? I'm sorry Al, but someone had to be the one to do something stupid. And I promised Gosangoku that America would be silly. Canada needs more love, eh. I swear he'll get a much bigger role in this. 3 and Italy will come back…with a 'friend' *gigglesnort* I bet you can't guess who.**

**Again, thanks to all those who reviewed/favourited! They mean a lot, and reviews make the next chapter happen (oh god I'm such a review whore xD) Anyways, thanks guys!**


	4. Chapter 4

January 11th, 2010

Dear Diary,

If someone shot me right now, at least I could say I died completely, overwhelmingly happy. Why, you may ask? Because it's official now – Heracles-san and I are a couple. I simply cannot believe it. I thought that because I was so sick he might wonder if there's any point and just not act – and that was only if he even liked me to begin with. Today's been (mainly) really frantic, though I will admit that was mostly on my part. Firstly, I went with Aniki to go see Dr. Roderich. Nurse Elizaveta was not there – she had been taken ill by a cold. He'd already checked and thankfully it wasn't that awful swine flu that everyone seems to be getting. Still, she's nice and I hope she gets better soon. Anyway, after explaining to Aniki exactly what I have (Dr. Roderich did not need to explain all the technical terms, and did not try to once he realised Aniki was a doctor himself), we began discussing permanent therapy for me as well as medicinal treatments. Despite his usual melodramatic (yet genuine) reactions to conversations about my cancer, Aniki was very calm and collected during the consultation. I guess it was all those years of training to be border lining emotionless during his own consultations. With the way he kept that façade, he could have been an actor. It was so believable that eve I started to think he was calming down. Obviously I was proved wrong as soon as we got far away enough from the hospital for him to not be noticed by Dr. Roderich. Still, his emotional breakdowns (or so I like to call them) are getting better – he's obviously coming to terms with it. He says he sees things like this all the time, but he never expected it to happen to someone close to him. Poor Aniki, I hope he starts to calm down soon – he's making me feel guilty. Speaking of which, I wonder how Arthur-san is…

Moving on, I also ran into Feliciano-kun today. He was with someone I did not know – surprising for him, as he likes everyone to know everyone else. Not surprisingly then, he was someone that Feliciano-kun had only just met – and completely taken over, in his true loving Italian nature. Feliciano-kun does not have the attention span to befriend someone before bluntly declaring his feelings for them. I must say though, this new man was not what you would expect from Feliciano-kun, but I can understand that he must be amazed by his new 'friend' (Ludwig-san – that was his name) and his strong German accent. And I'm personally rather relieved that Feliciano-kun found someone responsible and mature enough to keep him from doing stupid things that could potentially kill him. I wonder what Romano-kun has to say about him. I hope he likes him – Feliciano-kun does not have the mental ability to cope with the 'boyfriend over brother' (or vice versa) decision. I'm sure it will not be an issue though; Ludwig-san seems nice enough.

And so after this, when I finally managed to get home (which was roughly around lunchtime. Feliciano-kun asked if I wanted to go with him and Ludwig-san, but I really would not want to intrude) I wasted no time in trying to get ready and panicking in general. I was so nervous about the evening. Would I look good enough was my main worry, alongside messing up. If I managed to embarrass myself then I swear I would never be able to look Heracles-san in the eye again.

_I could see why people spent so long getting ready sometimes. I had no idea what looked nicer on me than the rest of my clothes and whether I just look nice overall. I sighed, finally deciding on an outfit I had already tried before. I know I wanted to look nice, but I was not yet at the point of calling Meimei nee-chan; she would probably convince me to buy new clothes altogether. And I need the money for my treatment. I know everyone said they'll give me money should I need it, but I'd rather not take from them. Besides, I'd never ask them for it anyway. Damn pride, I know._

_Seeing that it had taken me a good three and a half hours just to sort out what I was wearing and be relatively happy with how my hair was, I was left with another three and a half hours to mentally go over all the worst case scenarios in my head. They were all pretty awful, but the one that troubled me the most was the one where he never showed up. Of course I pushed all of those embarrassing scenes to the back of my mind. Everything was going to go perfectly tonight, I was not leaving room for any other option. The rest of the time went quickly, mostly because I kept making sure I was at least presentable. And when I was not doing that I was just fretting in general. I've made an idiot of myself in front of Heracles-san countless times before, but it seemed that tonight was different. For once, I had to not screw up. If I could not do that, then I at least had to try._

_Kami-sama, those hours went by fast. It was not until I heard a knock at the door that I realised it was just after 7. I was surprised I was not getting worked up because I thought Heracles-san would stand me up. Trying not to seem too excited, I opened the door. Honest to all things living, I did not deserve the man in front of me; he looked amazing. I was completely speechless. To be honest, I had never seen him look so formal, and even then he still had that casual hint that was just a part of him. I smiled; I still did not believe this was happening.  
"Kiku…you look beautiful" I could not stop the blush that miraculously appeared when he said that. I quickly mumbled a thank you and left, double-checking that I had my keys. I had no idea where we were going, but it didn't matter to me: we were going alone. It was my first date with Heracles-san, and I could not have felt like I had more to live for._

_After a short drive, we arrived at a small but very romantic looking restaurant. It looked like he'd taken a lot of time into finding this, and I was extremely happy that he felt he needed to go through all that trouble. I decided as we walked in to try holding his hand – just a small experiment. He didn't look at me (in all fairness to him, he was talking to the waiter) but he took hold of my hand in a firm grip. That blush was coming back, and I looked down to try and hide it. We were lead along through the main restaurant to a table near in one of the alcoves; obviously Heracles-san knew I was a private person. I loved that he even considered that. We sat down and the waiter left us to decide what we want, but returned minutes later producing a very expensive looking wine. I had just started taking medicines, and Dr. Roderich had advised not to drink, but I did not want to ruin the moment. Even though Heracles-san asked if it was okay for me to have it, I reminded him that one glass was not going to affect me (Dr. Roderich told me this in case I forgot that I should not drink, at least it would not affect me now – I was not on taking all of the pills yet). It was a very classy place, no doubt about it._

_Everything went perfectly, just as I had hoped. But I had no idea that Heracles-san could be so romantic – I had no idea how to reply to half of what he said. And whenever that damned blush came back he would just smile and sometimes tell me how cute I was. That did not help me get rid of it. Still, I could not say I did not enjoy it all. I felt like no one else in the world existed – for tonight, it was just me and him. It was all going so well until the bill came and I realised just how expensive this place was. Heracles-san, on the other hand, seemed totally unfazed by the price and calmly pulled out a credit card. Sighing quietly, I promised myself I would pay him back for some of it when we left. Only he would find a place that cost that much money. But I did not see why I was annoyed – he seemed to be fine about paying and afterwards he smiled and grabbed my hand.  
"Come on, Kiku….let's go" I smiled back at him. He had such a wonderful smile. I (secretly) took out my wallet and tried to give him back the money without him noticing. Naturally, I failed completely.  
"Kiku…what are you doing?" He asked, looking at the money like he'd never seen it before.  
"Th-that meal…it cost so much! I can't expect you to pay for all of it!" He laughed and pushed my hand away, signalling that I should put the money back.  
"Kiku…you can be so silly sometimes…you're not meant to pay me back." He smiled once again, and then as soon as I had reluctantly finished putting the money away he hugged me, just like he had when I had first told everyone I was ill. I hugged him back, once again willing him to never let go. I could feel him playing with my hair, and I smiled. It felt so right. He kissed my temple, still holding me. It had become a set routine now: he would do something and I would just blush in return. He then pulled away slightly again, and I stared at him, not knowing what to expect. One of his hands cupped my cheek, the other still against my back; as if he thought I might run away. This time he didn't act as hesitantly as he had the first time, and this time when he kissed me it was different to last time. I was certain he could feel my heart hammering inside my chest. It was the most exhilarating feeling ever, and I did not care about anything else. This time his lips seemed even softer, and the kiss certainly ran on for longer. When we broke apart I felt a sudden sense of loss.  
"Come, Kiku. You still need to rest…let's get you home"_

After that he walked me home, kissed me goodbye and that was the end. Honestly, I cannot remember having a more perfect evening, and I really cannot wait to see him again. I wish I had the rest of my life left – less than a year is not enough time. Still, at least when the time does come I can remember how wonderful he is, and how I know now that I truly love him.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: Ahh Kiku you silly thing. Honestly guys this year-long thing is going to kill me – we're not even halfway through January yet! Now, Gosangoku would have inspired me to reply to reviews here, but I think I've replied to most of you privately. But seriously thank you guys! And a special mention goes to Yume Dust because she's one of the few who favour little Mattie 3 he needs our love guys.**

**And Gosangoku, I'm sorry I didn't mention 'Cookiewurst'. He shall be called that in the future at some point, I promise. Oh by the way, who wants to see some of our favourite albino in this? Just for the lulz. ^^ **

**Please keep the reviews up, and I seriously love you all. 3**


	5. Chapter 5

January 21st, 2010

Dear Diary,

I'm seriously beginning to wonder if I was a saint in my past life; or if I had done something in recent years to put karma on my side. Not that I'm complaining, of course. It seems that I'm not going to be able to keep to the whole 'an entry a day' thing here, mostly because there are some periods of time which just do not need mentioning. Take the past ten days, for example – not much has happened, aside from Aniki beginning to calm down…and I see a lot more of Heracles-san now. I'm not so shocked by the fact that we're going out now, but it will take time to get my head around – I've been so used to just going along wishing something would happen that it seems almost unnatural that it did. Again, I'm not complaining in the slightest. Not all unnatural things are bad. But the last few dates haven't been as extravagant as the first, but then again the first date always is the big, fancy one where you can be as sappy as you please. And I don't mind that things are calmer now, I'm not sure how many more replicas of the 11th my poor mind can take. One can only be impressed so many times before they just give out, after all.

So back to why I've decided to write today, Feliciano-kun wanted us all to meet Ludwig-san properly, and by us I meant practically everyone he knew. I know Italians like to be around people but I felt sorry for Ludwig-san – all those new people must have been intimidating. Although to be honest he seemed very fearless.

"_Ano….Feliciano-kun, what do we do now?" I asked, as our exceptionally large group looked very odd in the street.  
"Ah! I made pasta~" Feliciano-kun announced, feeling that because he had cooked his famous pasta everyone would be inspired. To the rest of us, that translated to: come back to my house so we can eat and be lazy. That was just how Feliciano-kun was, Kami bless him. And so that's what we did, naturally. I tried to talk to Ludwig-san whenever Feliciano-kun was distracted by something shiny or other things that would amuse someone with the mind of a 5-year-old. I felt it would be nicer for Ludwig-san if he knew not all of Feliciano-kun's friends were like him; in fact, none of us were apart from Alfred-san sometimes. Arthur-san did talk with us once as well, but we were interrupted when an albino man came up and swung his arm around Alfred-san.  
"Well, well, well. If it isn't my wonderful brother!" The man exclaimed, his voice dripping sarcasm. Ludwig-san could not have looked more annoyed if the man had slapped him with a dead beaver. I could not see how they were related – they neither looked nor acted the same. In fact, the only thing they seemed to have in common was their accent.  
"Gilbert, go away."  
"Awwww, come now Wiggy, that's no way to make an impression~" Gilbert-san teased, obviously trying to see how far he could push his brother. From the expressions they both wore I could tell it was a game they had been playing for years.  
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT ALBINOKRAUT!?"  
"Ahh, is this your big brother?" Feliciano-kun had the gift of selective hearing, and had blocked out the shouting and teasing. The smirk on Gilbert-san's face suddenly grew so much wider, and I could swear I saw a hint of horror on Ludwig-san's face.  
"Mhmm. I'm the awesome one! And who is this, Wiggy?" Gilbert-san winked as he asked this – something Feliciano-kun did not have the mental capacity to understand.  
"I'm Feliciano-"  
"Ahh! You're my baby brother's Italian sweetheart ehh?" Feliciano-kun blushed slightly, but nodded enthusiastically. Ludwig-san, on the other hand, looked like he was on the verge of killing his brother brutally. Thank everything Aniki is not like that.  
"Look, Albinokraut, go annoy someone else today. Please." By now Ludwig-san started to sound a bit desperate, which must have been music to his relentless brother's ears. It did not help that Feliciano-kun invited Gilbert-san along with us. The albino just saw it as another way to torment his little brother and cheerfully joined us. The man had so much hyperactivity I began to wonder if he was taking something. According to Ludwig-san, his brother had been like that since before he was born. Once again, I felt sorry for him. _

_I felt sorry for everyone when we realised that we were lost. Feliciano-kun had gotten lost on the way to his own house; it was so typical of him we actually could not be angry. In hindsight, we should have seen this coming. But thankfully Arthur-san knew this city like the back of his hand and managed to finally get us back on the right track. But he was rather annoyed by then because Gilbert-san had heard that he was with Alfred-san and left his brother alone to torment them (much to Ludwig-san's relief). While Arthur-san only ever gave him brief answers, it seemed that Alfred-san was just as clueless as Feliciano-kun and gave Gilbert-san a lot to work with. He must have been having a wonderful time.  
"So, Alfie…does Arthur over there have a chance of occupying your vital regions?" Gilbert-san winked once again, while Alfred-san stared at him, confused. Arthur-san looked torn between passing out from embarrassment and killing Gilbert-san.  
"Mein Gott Gilbert. Don't you have some baby ducks to chase or something?" Ludwig-san sighed, having given up on scolding his brother. Gilbert-san laughed in a way that actually scared me, and I ended up almost hiding behind Heracles-san, who had quietly observing the situation. He had realised the moment Gilbert-san arrived that getting involved was a bad idea. As did I, but I could not help but comment on what Ludwig-san had said.  
"You like baby ducks?" I must have sounded very confused. Ludwig-san realised that he had an opportunity for revenge, and took it up instantly.  
"And the little chickies, right Gilbert?" There was no hiding the evil glint in his eyes that would have made Ivan-sama proud (he had gone to Ukraine to visit his sister).  
"SHUT UP WIGGY!! THEY'RE CUTE OKAY?!" And that had obviously bruised Gilbert-san's incredible ego, because he remained relatively quiet and made up an excuse to leave. I tried to hide my smile – watching him change so suddenly was very amusing. Arthur-san started to laugh under his breath, and we were curious as to the reason why.  
"Nothing, nothing at all. Wasn't it strange for you, running into Gitbert?" He asked Ludwig-san. You would have thought that the German would have been annoyed, but instead he was obviously trying not to laugh at his brother's new nickname. It was then that we realised getting lost and then getting not lost again had taken up a good few hours, and Aniki and I had to go see Dr. Roderich. Heracles-san kissed me goodbye and we left._

_It was just like all the other appointments – except now he wanted things to start happening. Nurse Elizaveta was better and seemed a lot more cheerful too. When we explained why we were late, her face fell at the mention of Gilbert-san. I thought she might have been thinking about someone else – until she asked if he was albino. When we said yes, she just shook her head and warned us to look after our 'vital regions'. Dr. Roderich looked at the three of us impatiently and continued the session when no one spoke. Because the cancer was discovered relatively early, he recommended surgery which would be then followed by chemotherapy. That would only then continue if I react well to it. But because it's proven that all in all the type of cancer I have is not generally reactive to chemotherapy, I could need radiotherapy as well. I decided that there's no harm in trying, and agreed to the treatment. Aniki just sat and looked at the floor; this obviously bothered him. When we left, I pressed him to find out why.  
"Because, Kiku, I'm a doctor aru. I've seen things like this go horribly wrong, and I can't stop worrying that something bad will happen aru."  
"Aniki, if we don't try then I don't stand a chance at getting better. I would probably not even make it to the end of my year" He sighed and looked down again. He was feeling bad for making me feel worse, even though he actually hadn't. I knew my Aniki well enough to read him easily.  
"Listen, Aniki. You may have seen things that looked hopeful go up in flames. But remember, you've also seen miracles happen as well. Maybe this won't be as bad as you imagine it, maybe it'll all be okay" I smiled at him, and he smiled back. He knew I was right.  
"Then let's hope you're one of those miracles, aru."_

I know, not as eventful as the other entries but it was one of those days where you had to be there to see how funny it was. It was nice meeting new people, even if they were a bit odd. But I am not exactly in a position to judge. In fact, I have a feeling Ludwig-san and Gilbert-san are going to fit into our rather large circle of friends just fine. I'm meeting Heracles-san tomorrow, just the two of us again. I still feel bubbly and silly every time I think about him, it's really not good. Oh well, I guess this is what being in love must feel like.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: Yes, there is some of the GermanyxItaly that I promised you all. And it's not a party until Gilbert arrives! :D silly little albino, but we love him all the same. Ooh this is going to be a long fic T_T.**

**Once more I thank you all for everything. I think I might introduce Turkey next time – it's just not Hetalia until you see some Greece/Turkey hatred, right? 8D and maybe Egypt will make an appearance as well, he needs love too guys!**

**If you have any characters/pairings you want to see by the way, just ask. I'll fit them in somehow xD**


	6. Chapter 6

January 26th, 2010

Dear Diary,

Today was eventful, to say the least. It started when I was called by Tino-san, which was really strange – I have not seen him since we left university. He said he was looking through some old things he had and remembered that he had promised to keep in touch after he moved back to Finland. He's coming over soon, so I hope I can see him again, we used to talk all the time. And I'm particularly curious about a certain Berwald-san, who seems to have completely taken over little Tino-san's heart. I wonder how all his siblings are as well. Again, it's been years since I last talked to any of them. My conversation with Tino-san took up a good few hours, but that's to be expected when you are catching up on years of information. He seemed very happy, and did not mention any disastrous happenings in the time which we had lost, but when he asked me I was torn between telling him I was and not. In the end I settled with not telling him. If we become close friends again then I will, but for now I will not ruin his happy life. It was nice to hear from him.

After that I left to go meet Heracles-san. This time I did not have an enormous fret over how I look – just a normal fret over it. It's only natural. We were not doing anything special, but it still made me happy to see him all the same. He knows our time together (whether we like it or not) is limited, and he's one of those people who would rather make the most of what he has than complain all the time about how he wants more. This said, he has mentioned a few times that he wishes he had more time with me. I just wish I could give him that, but unfortunately life can be cruel. It had bee going fine, I had told him about the call with Tino-san and then we just talked about everything. Heracles-san is indeed a mysterious person; just when you think you know everything he'll find something new to surprise you with. It is why he will never fail to amaze me.

_We had been walking around Trafalgar Square*, just laughing about things in general when I saw Heracles-san look at someone, as if he thought he recognised them but could not tell who they were from a distance. A man turned to Heracles-san, gave him the same look and they both simultaneously knew each other. To be honest, it was funny to watch them both.  
"Who is it, Heracles-san?"  
"Oh, that's Gupta, he works with me" I understood. The veterinary clinic where Heracles-san worked was small, and so everyone knew each other. It was a close-knit community, which I guess is why he preferred it to the larger clinics, where he was offered jobs and denied them. The Egyptian man called us over, and we obliged. It would be nice to meet even more new people; I seem to be doing that a lot recently. We were given brief introductions, with Gupta-san exclaiming that I must be the famous Kiku that Heracles-san always talked about. I think we both must have blushed, because Gupta-san laughed. But he seemed very nice.  
"So why are you here, Gupta?"  
"Oh I'm out with…someone" It seemed odd that he suddenly paused and chose not to give away this mystery person's identity. Heracles-san and I looked at him, hoping for more clues. Suddenly Heracles-san seemed to understand and looked slightly disgusted.  
"You don't mean __him__, do you?" I had never heard him sound so unimpressed; it was not like him at all. Gupta-san sighed, as if he knew what was going to happen now. I looked at them both quizzically – they might understand, but I was totally clueless as to what was going on. They did not seem to catch onto this, and so eventually I asked out straight who __he__ was.  
"Don't worry, Kiku. He's a bastard."  
"Oh come on, Heracles. I know you and Sadiq don't get on but at least try to be nice" The name sounded familiar, but for the sake of not upsetting Heracles-san further I chose to keep that to myself. He laughed slightly, but in a way so sarcastic I began to wonder if this person was indeed Heracles-san. Kind-hearted, sleepy, non-violent Heracles-san. Gupta-san sighed, realising that Heracles-san was a lost cause, and turned to me so he could explain what exactly was happening.  
"Heracles and Sadiq apparently knew each other from a young age. They have never, ever been able to be even remotely civil with each other." I nodded, but wondered why they never seemed to get along. Surely if they had known each other for that long they must have been able to work out their differences. As if on cue, the man I assumed was Sadiq-san casually strolled up to Gupta-san, all smiles until he saw Heracles-san. I'm sure I was not the only one who could sense trouble.  
_

"_Gupta, why the hell are you talking to him?"  
"Maybe because he's my friend, you idiotic twat." Heracles-san spat back, and I began to worry. I did not want a full-scale argument to happen. Sadiq-san looked as familiar as his name was, but for the life of me I could not remember where I had seen him. And again, it was something I was not going to tell Heracles-san. Anyway, it seemed Sadiq-san did not remember me.  
"And who're you?" It was so strange to see this man suddenly turn polite when he stopped talking (if it can be called that) to Heracles-san. I smiled politely – I had no issues with Sadiq-san, but Heracles-san firmly wrapped his arm around me and replied to Sadiq-san before I could.  
"Leave Kiku alone you freak." Sadiq-san looked at me, disheartened. Then he shook his head, which confused me greatly.  
"Ahh don't tell me you're going out with this guy! You could do so much better…" Sadiq-san should have been thankful then that looks do not kill, but apparently Heracles-san's death glare had no lost its effect over the years. Gupta-san looked exasperated; this was not new to him. I grasped Heracles-san's hand, hoping he would realise how uncomfortable this made me, and that I did not pay attention to Sadiq-san's comment. He must have gotten the second hint, but sadly not the first.  
"Oh yeah, because you're a real Romeo. That stupid mask must really be inviting to the rest of the circus" Again with the sarcasm. I was not sure I liked this side of Heracles-san – while it was not me he was arguing with, he still scared me slightly.  
"Because having a million cats is something all normal people look for" And that was it. Within a matter of seconds they had gone from verbal attacks to physical ones. I was very scared of them, they both had pure hatred in their eyes (well, what I could see of Sadiq-san's ones; the mask cast shadows). Gupta-san was trying to pry them apart and I felt I should help him. I did not know about Sadiq-san, but I knew that Heracles-san was in fact very strong. A part of me did find it funny when they flailed wildly each time we pulled them far enough apart to not be able to hit the other. But each time we did so Heracles-san and Sadiq-san managed to struggle out of mine and Gupta-san's grasps and soon we were back to square one. A small crowd had gathered, curious about the fight. It seemed we carried on this routine as if it were something out of a children's show, only with more violence. Both Sadiq-san and Heracles-san were bleeding a fair amount and it was apparent that some black-eyes would appear later on. It only stopped when during the struggle someone – I forgot who – hit me in the stomach. Whoever it was had a nasty punch; it hurt a lot. I keeled over, and Heracles-san lost interest in his rival as easily as a small child loses interest in one toy once a new one appears.  
"Kiku!! Are you alright?!" It touched me that he was so genuinely concerned, and I waved back to signal that I was alright. He had gone over to help me up, and even though he was holding me close to him, the looks he shot at Sadiq-san had grown increasingly malicious.  
"You bastard, I'll kill you for hurting him." I was shocked by the serious tone in Heracles-san's voice. But to Sadiq-san it must have been something he was used to hearing.  
"You never do, you coward. Besides, what's to say you didn't hit him?" Sadiq-san knew that would hit a nerve with Heracles-san, and it did. If it were not for the almost pathetic condition I was in, he probably would have attacked him. I was not the only one who sensed this.  
"Um, Sadiq…let's leave them alone now…" Gupta-san did not give Sadiq-san a choice, as he was already ushering him away, apologising for everything as he did. I smiled back – he should not be made to feel guilty. After that Heracles-san rushed me back home, asking what felt like every five minutes if I was okay. It honestly did not hurt that badly._

See? Eventful. I must make a mental note to always distract Heracles-san should I ever see Sadiq-san within a one-mile radius of him. In fact, let's make that two, just to be on the safe side. He'll probably look like he violently beaten with a blunt object tomorrow, which is true to a certain extent. There was a slight bruise on my stomach, but it did not seem too serious. Hopefully I will not have to explain it to Dr. Roderich; I do not want to make him angry. It seems I know a few people who are scary when they are angry.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: * Yes they live in London. Why? Because I live there and so I know it well, which makes writing so much easier. Why did the police not get involved? Because I am very, very lazy.**

**Now I need your help guys. I've had some PrussiaxCanada requests, but also some FrancexCanada requests. So you need to decide who gets little Mattie. Also, I know Theomania requested to see some SuFin and the other Nordics. There will be more SuFin when Finland makes a proper appearance, and I promise I will bring in the others, just give me a few chapters. *sweatdrop***

**And for MisaTsumi, we will see some more of Ivan next time! And you need to give me a few chapters as well (for the RussiaxChina). I have a lot of thinking to do so I can make this all work T_T**

**Still, if anyone else wants anyone then just say. I actually like all the characters in Hetalia so I won't say no (unless it's a really cracky pairing), and the storyline will just get weirder if I keep adding in everyone, so hopefully that'll make this funnier.**

**Wow, long AN is long. Thanks for all the support guys! *gives sake and soba* :3**

**EDIT: My bad, Egypt does have a name. Thank you Yume Dust and crimson-obsidian-rose!**


	7. Chapter 7

February 1st, 2010

Dear Diary,

What a bizarre day today has been. Admittedly I was due something like this; since Heracles-san's fight with Sadiq-san, nothing interesting had happened. He recovered nicely, and thankfully none of his injuries were too bad. His personality changes so dramatically whenever the man is so much as mentioned that I'm very curious about their past. Still, it's not my place to pry. And this is me digressing, once again.

As for today. I was just having a day to myself today – it's not often I get one of those. It was something to mediocre; I was just going for a walk to clear my head. It was cool and breezy today, which made it perfect for something like that.

_I was lost in my own thoughts, which for once did not revolve around my illness and all the costs. Just noticing things that I never took the time to notice before; the way the path purposely winds in and out of the trees so that you see every inch of the park, the way everyone has all come to this place for the same basic reason, yet barely anyone interacts with each other, and the way you just blend into the background. And I was asking myself the most ridiculous questions; why do squirrels have such fluffy tails? I was so busy noticing all the little things I did not notice the one big thing that I happened to walk right into. It was not a lamppost, but how I wished it was. No, it was Ivan-sama. I know he was always relatively normal (for him, anyway) around me, but that did not stop me from being completely terrified of him. In fact, apart from his sister, I could not think of a single person who was not scared of Ivan-sama. It was sad – he seemed so nice on the outside. I laughed awkwardly, something which Ivan-sama seemed to revel in. He was an incredibly strange man.  
"Ano…Ivan-sama…how strange to see you here…" Yes, he knew I was scared of him. He did not seem to want to lose my fear anytime soon either. He smiled, and to the untrained eye one would think we were in the middle of a decent conversation. Sadly, that was not the case.  
"I could ask you the same thing, comrade" It took a lot of self-control to not stutter every word I said. Even if he was being nice.  
"Oh, I…eto…I was taking a walk…" Gaining a shred of confidence, I asked Ivan-sama why he was here. I have no idea why, but for some reason it felt like an achievement. Then again, it is not everyday you get at least two responses from that man that are not laced with emotional and/or physical attacks.  
"Escaping Natalia. You understand, da?"  
"Yes, of course I do" I tried not to laugh at the hidden severity of Ivan-sama's situation. Although he smiled and made it seem like nothing, Natalia-chan was a serial stalker. Why she is so intent on marrying her brother is a mystery to me, but nonetheless we all hear stories of Ivan-sama putting himself into very awkward situations just to make her lose him. One would think there was something wrong with their childhood, and that is understandable. Ivan-sama grew into someone who enjoys tormenting people so much that they all fear him, and Natalia-chan not only follows in her brother's footsteps, but wants to marry him and most likely bear his children. But the only flaw with that theory is their elder sister, who seems to be completely normal. They are indeed the strangest family I have ever met._

_Needless to say I was not going to escape Ivan-sama as easily as I normally do. To be fair, I could have said I needed to go to the hospital, but I feared what would happen to me should he find out I lied. But after a while I was trying to get some a small piece of information out if him – why he was so interested in Aniki, to be specific. Strangely enough, Aniki's fear of Ivan-sama has been slowly melting away recently. They would be a very odd couple. Then again, I'm not one to talk. Heracles-san and I are admittedly two ends of the spectrum. But what eventually shocked me was not the fact that I should not rule out the possibility of something happening between Ivan-sama and Aniki; it was the fact that throughout my whole conversation with Ivan-sama, he had not once done anything traumatising in all possible aspects. I was not sure whether I should expect an attack or whether I should thank Kami that in Ivan-sama's attempt to wring me for information about Aniki and other things in general, he had forgotten to be scary. Somehow, I managed to do both. I glanced at my watch (whilst praying that he would not notice) and wondered where the past four hours had gone. And how on earth did I manage to walk around a park talking to Ivan-sama for four hours? I was getting tired, and spent the next half an hour searching for a valid excuse to leave. Finally, I settled with getting the expected psychological distress and just tell Ivan-sama the truth.  
"Ivan-sama, forgive me. But I'm very tired now and I would like to go home." While my outer façade did an exceptional job at being normal, inside I was cowering and waiting for the inevitable.  
"Ah, you feel ill, da? Go home comrade" That was it. That was the end of our conversation. I smiled and nodded and turned to leave, expecting something. Anything. But that something never appeared. For one whole day, Ivan-sama had been a decent person. I had to tell Arthur-san, he'd love to hear it._

_And tell Arthur-san I did. I rested for a while when I returned home, but afterwards decided to call him before I forgot. Just as I had anticipated, he was disbelieving and found the idea of it hilarious.  
"Seriously Kiku, you have to be joking. Ivan doesn't know the meaning of the word 'normal'!" Arthur-san laughed after about 5 minutes. I laughed with him. We laughed for nearly an hour about my strange run-in with Ivan-sama, until the conversation died down into a silence worn comfortable by time. Something had been bothering me for a while, and I felt as though Arthur-san was the only person I could talk to about it. Aniki is still to emotional about the cancer for him to hear this, and as much as I loved Heracles-san I did not want to upset him. I knew Arthur-san would be able to deal with it.  
"Ano…Arthur-san…Dr. Roderich wants me to start treatment. As in…you know…"  
"Chemotherapy?"  
"No…the type of cancer I have is usually insensitive to chemotherapy. He wants to me to start radiotherapy instead" And then the silence that fell when I first broke the news fell once more. I could feel myself cracking – I knew it would all get too much for me one day. I just did not realise it would happen so soon.  
"Arthur-san…I'm really scared." As if he had woken up, Arthur-san snapped back almost immediately.  
"Hey, it'll be alright Kiku. This'll make you better, right?" Something salty ran into my mouth and only then did I realise I was crying. How awkward that must have been for my poor friend.  
"A-Arthur-san…if I go on Wednesday and start the therapy…th-that means that this is real" I wished for someone else to be in the flat with me. Just anyone, I really did not care. Anything to beat away feeling alone. My group of friends did not have Ardenocarcinoma – I did. I was alone in this, no matter how much support I was given.  
"Hey Kiku, it'll all be alright. The sooner you start this, the sooner the doctors can make it go away" I felt pathetic; each time I tried to talk I ended up choking on my own sobs. I just could not stop. Arthur-san must have been getting tired – it was very late.  
"Kiku, listen to me. I know we can't be sure about what's going to happen, but let's think positive. All of us are going to, and trust me everything will work out. It always does for you." I smiled, slowly calming down. He was right, I did need to keep my head above the surface, because going under would lead to drowning. I was not going to give in; not just yet.  
"Th-thank you, Arthur-san. I j-just needed to talk to someone…and you-"  
"Don't worry about it, Kiku. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here. But I have to go – if I leave Alfred alone for too long he might die" I laughed and wished him a good night. At times like these, it's always good to have someone like Arthur-san as your best friend. _

Life's getting very emotional right now. I suppose once I get into a routine and things stop being so scary I'll calm down. I think I might see Heracles-san tomorrow; I miss him. He's come back from Thessaloniki* so I should be able to. I should also apologise to Arthur-san tomorrow as well; my outburst must have brought his mood down quite a bit. To be honest, I'm just glad he's stopped blaming himself for this. It was never anyone's fault. But tomorrow's my last day of pretending the cancer growing in my lungs is not real, so I should go to sleep now so that I can enjoy it.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: *Thessaloniki is a city in Greece, just in case you were wondering what I was talking about.**

**TT_TT I'm so sorry this took so long! Bloody Geography coursework is long, not to mention my English teacher demanding I get a specific copy of Lord of the Flies, and it's the one which no bookstore seems to sell. But this reminds me – school starts on Monday. Year 11, what fun. This means I might not update as often as I'd like, because lets face it GCSEs eat up your life. /rant**

**Awwww, poor Kiku. I know this chapter was lacking in Giripan but I had promised MisaTsumi that Ivan would get some love. And although I did mention it, there will be some RussiaxChina coming up for you. Also working on all the other requests you guys have. Oh and for anyone who's interested, the votes ruled in favour of PrussiaxCanada. **

**You know the drill, thanks for all those who review/favourite/whatever they want. Seriously, ilu guys :D and here's Pocky to prove it *gives***


	8. Chapter 8

February 10th, 2010

Dear Diary,

Sorry about the long break, I've been very busy recently. I started serious treatment a few days ago and because of it I've only just been allowed back home. But it'll be like that a lot now that I'm on radiotherapy, they don't let me leave my hospital room until the radiation level has gone down enough for it to be safe (well, safe isn't the right word, there are no safe levels. But until it's gone down enough to not cause a lot of damage). Aniki went with me the first time, right until I had to go in and start taking the radioactive pills. Just looking back at that, it sounds rather amusing – one would think I'm trying to become a superhero. How that would amuse Alfred-san, I must remember to tell him that. Dr. Roderich has been very understanding about this – but I suppose he must have seen a lot of people in the same position as I am. He has offered me leaflets about groups for people with cancer, but I declined them. I'd rather not go and sit and talk about my upcoming death, nor do I want to get my hopes up and believe that I might survive this. Do not get me wrong – I'm trying to believe that I stand a chance against this, and that maybe my year left might be extended, but I don't want to be too optimistic.

When I got back today I was going to call Aniki, but remembered that it was his day off and therefore he was probably sleeping – even though it was nearly midday. Besides, it was about time he relaxed, he's been very stressed lately. Instead I decided to call Heracles-san and tell him that I was home. He came over and visited me for a bit, but he has work so it was not long. After discussing with my boss he has agreed to let me work from home, considering that because of the radiation I would be taking days off at a time. I think it would just be easier for everyone else; it makes it easier for the hospital to get hold of me and vice versa.

_To my own surprise, I was not as alarmed by the whole process as I expected to be. I sat and listened as I was told the procedure, I did not think anything about taking that little radioactive pill and just staying in my room for a few days – the beta radiation quarantined me. Still, it was not so bad. That does not mean I was not glad beyond belief to be outside again. But for some reason my strange life seemed to be waiting for my return – yes, Yong Soo-san just came up and talked to me for no apparent (or Aniki-related) reason. Yong Soo-san is entirely convinced that Aniki is the be all and end all that that the universe revolves around him. It's a bit strange really – one could easily mistake his admiration for obsession. Personally, I have never been able to see the difference. But this decision of his was strange because the two of us have never really been able to get along. As children he would always steal my things and ideas and claim that they were his, and would remind me constantly that he hated me (not that it really made a large impact on my life). It would seem rude not to talk back to him, even if I was trying to work out what his angle was.  
"Kiku!! Kiku! What're you doing here?" He bounded up to me with his never ending supply of energy. I would do anything for just a third of it, and that's not a joke.  
"Yong Soo-san, you know full well why I'm here…" I remember him being one of the many siblings of mine to call me when I first announced my illness, it was the first time I had ever heard him sound remotely concerned about my wellbeing – it seemed almost wrong, but I was not going to deny his worry. I could tell I'd need as many people on my side as I could get in the future.  
"Oh yeah…you're starting all that already?" He gasped and flailed his arms at the hospital, his curl bouncing as he did so. I nodded, trying my hardest not to laugh at his amazed expression. Any passer by would think I had just produced small animal from thin air. Yong Soo-san started grabbing my sleeve, demanding that I go see something. Obviously that boy's mind has stopped developing when he was ten. Smiling slightly, I followed him. It was nice after days of being confined to my room to see someone (or something, because no human could have that amount of energy constantly) so full of life. _

_Why he had dragged me to a park was beyond me – what he wanted to show me was in his pocket the entire time. I sighed upon discovering this, realising that it would now take even longer for me to get home. He smiled proudly and produced a small wooden rocket, carved in perfect detail. I had to admit it was impressive.  
"Yong Soo-san, why did you want to show me that?"  
"'Cus I made it." I stood in disbelief for a few seconds.  
"By yourself?"  
"Yeah! Isn't it cool?!" Yong Soo-san was beaming by this point, and I was just stunned. Since when did he make things on his own? He handed me it, and I did have to admit that it was very well crafted.  
"Wouldn't you want to show Aniki?" He shrugged.  
"Yeah…but you always made miniature things, so I thought you'd want to see it first. You can have it!" That was when I expected an assassin to appear and shoot me, or something along those lines. There had to be a reason for this sudden niceness. After this he announced that he had to go somewhere (by this point I really did not care where he was going) and so left me standing like a rabbit frozen by the glare of headlights. Just as Yong Soo-san was walking I heard him call out to me over his shoulder.  
"By the way, I still hate you!" There it was. Thank Kami, he hadn't gone mad._

_When I finally got home I called Heracles-san. He worked in a clinic very close to my apartment, so it was not hard for him to come see me. I did remind him that he did not have to spend his entire hour with me but he insisted that he did. It was nice to see him again without everyone else. He knows I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection and yet he's still very tolerable with that. It really did surprise me, but I was not complaining at all. He could be very sweet when it was just the two of us, and he seemed to have the ability to know what was out of my comfort zone without asking. It occurred to me a few times that I was very lucky to have him. At first things started as I had predicted: he asked me how I was feeling and how the treatment went and so on and so forth, I answered with exact details because otherwise he would just press me for more information. Unlike most other times people asked me about these things, it did not feel like an interrogation. Kami bless him, he just cared. The entire time he was there he seemed surgically attached to my waist – again, not that I minded. It was actually rather comforting. He would plant soft, quick kisses on my forehead randomly and just nuzzle his head against mine. It was just in his nature to be very affectionate. I would do the same in return, and feel a small sense of achievement when he smiled at me. There was no denying that he had a wonderful, contagious smile. Maybe that was why I would smile too. A few times we just sat in silence, but it was a silence that was no longer awkward, but had been worn comfortable by time and emotion. At those times I honestly could not think of anywhere else I could possibly want to be, and I would hold onto Heracles-san a little tighter as if to tell him this. I did not like people playing with my hair, but I just did not mind it from him – it was soothing. We just talked about anything we could think of and whether he intended for me to notice it or not, I could see a familiar glint of adoration in his eyes when I laughed. It was one of those things that I hoped would never go away._

_I did not want him to go again, even if I knew he had work to do. I could not help it – I enjoyed being with him, it made me forget just how grim some parts of my life were. Whether it was because he just has a strong sense of intuition or whether it was because I was pouting like a child, he could obviously tell that I did not want him to leave me. I never wanted him to leave me. He smiled and kissed me softly.  
"I'll come back tomorrow, okay?" I smiled back at him.  
"Okay. But you have to promise." He laughed at the child-like seriousness of the demand, and kissed my forehead once again.  
"I promise"_

Not a very eventful day, but satisfying nonetheless. It sounds silly, but I can't wait for tomorrow. It's been a while since I've seen everybody so it would be nice to just talk to them again. Which reminds me – I must remember to call Tino-san tomorrow and see when he is coming to London.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: Urgh guys I'm so sorry!!! I've got 5 pieces of coursework in for October half term and my immune system has decided it hates me, that's why this took so long. God I hate year 11 already. **

**Crappy chapter is crappy, sorry about that *sweatdrop* but I have promised more SuFin now!! Just to make up for it.**

**I'm going to have to stop requests for a little bit – I still have loads to do. I'll start asking again once I've caught up with you guys. Serious love to all of you still reading this xD you make the next chapter happen (oh my I'm such a review whore)! *gives cookies to all***


	9. Chapter 9

February 15th, 2010

Dear Diary,

I'm going back to the hospital tomorrow; this treatment has now become a weekly practice. So far I do not feel much different to before, but I'm sure as the sessions go by I'll begin to see something. Dear Kami I hope I start to see something. But moving back onto the subject of today, I felt it all went rather well. Not for poor Arthur-san, but it seemed he was almost used to this. To start, I had to break up what I am sure would be another fight between Hera-san (I know, he says I should call him that now…) and Sadiq-san. We ran into him in the morning, and it really does seem that they cannot go one minute without trying to kill each other. Thank all things living that Hera-san and I had somewhere to go. Arthur-san had invited us all over, just one of those spontaneous things that he does. It was nice to get out, especially as I wanted to ask him about Alfred-san. I really think they're getting into something serious – and good for them! As strange as it may seem they go well together. Just living proof that opposites do attract. And obviously Aniki will want to know everything about, well, everything. No one would suspect it but he's one of the biggest gossips I know.

_Arthur-san's apartment was just as well kept as he was, and it was so like him in every aspect that it was hard not to laugh. Apparently Alfred-san did. Arthur-san was partially occupied with shouting at someone for reasons I could not quite make out when he answered the door. It turned out said person was his little brother Peter-kun, who had decided to appear out of the blue to annoy his big brother. I personally liked Peter-kun; he was always very nice to me. In fact, he was nice to everyone except Arthur-san.  
"Hello, Peter-kun" I smiled at him, and he bounced off somewhere, while keeping his eyes focused on me (to be polite).  
"Kiku!!" He smiled .Like Yong Soo-san; Peter-kun had an endless supply of energy. I suppose it's easier to deal with then part of that energy is not used to hate you. Arthur-san sighed.  
"Kiku, don't encourage him. He's been climbing all over my bloody furniture!" Towards the end of that he turned to glare at his younger sibling, but to no avail. Peter-kun seemed interested in something which seemed to be very shiny before turning to us.  
"Shut up, jerk. Kiku, who's that?" He asked bluntly while pointing at Hera-san, who just smiled in return. Apparently this would be considered normal in Greece. I could feel myself blushing, which I knew Hera-san would bring up later on.  
"Oh that's Kiku's boyfriend!" Alfred-san announced loudly as he paraded in from Kami knows where. The blush just got even fiercer and I hid slightly behind Hera-san. Thankfully he understood exactly. That man is near impossible to embarrass. But I soon found my escape. I noticed a face I did not recognise holding Peter-kun's hand and shyly hiding behind him.  
"Peter-kun, who's that?" I mimicked softly so not to scare this new person, but Peter-kun had a similar mind to his brother, and so he caught onto what I was doing.  
"This is Raivis! Say hey to them, Raivis!" Peter-kun announced proudly, and Raivis-kun just stammered a quick 'hello' before returning to his original position. Obviously Peter-kun had enough energy for the two of them. Arthur-san sighed yet again before sitting next to Alfred-san.  
"I have no idea how he did it…honestly…" _

_Raivis-kun – despite falling for Peter-kun's energy and charisma – seemed scared of Aniki, as he was very hyperactive today. But not unlike most normal people, he gets tired. For a while we talked – there was a period of time where we barely acknowledged each other's existence, and since then we've both worked hard to prevent that from ever happening again.  
"You look well Kiku, aru." I smiled. I knew he wanted me to go on, but it was a lot more entertaining to watch and discuss Arthur-san and Peter-kun's argument, and the few times where Raivis-kun would gather feel confident enough to try and stop Peter-kun. He was obviously wanted to keep in Arthur-san's good books; he may have been timid, but he certainly was not stupid.  
"How have you and Heracles been then, aru."  
"Well, Aniki. We've been really, really well." I smiled, and he smiled back. He was a very good brother; he always worried about these things when it came to all of us, not only me.  
"That's good aru." Aniki looked away slightly.  
"I never prepared you for heartbreak, aru…" I put my arm around his shoulder and smiled.  
"I don't think Hera-san's out to break my heart, Aniki…"_

_Things finally calmed down when Raivis-kun stopped staring at Ivan-sama in absolute horror whenever the man wasn't looking (another sign of his intelligence – Ivan-sama's sane moment was certainly a once in a lifetime thing, but I was right about him being close to Aniki) and convinced Peter-kun that they had to go somewhere. After they left, Arthur-san flopped half onto the sofa and half onto Alfred-san, who merely glanced down and turned back to the TV. I stifled a laugh.  
"What's funny, Kiku?" Hera-san asked. I motioned towards Arthur-san and Alfred-san.  
"Don't you think they look a bit like a married couple?" Hera-san looked, and then also tried not to laugh. Unfortunately everyone had heard this, and Arthur-san looked like he was about to implode.  
"WHAT!?" Aniki did not even try to stop himself and giggled at them whilst nudging Ivan-sama for back up. It seemed that Aniki was the only person who could get away with that. Alfred-san did not seem too phased by the whole thing, which only worried Arthur-san even more. I knew I would never be able to look at them in the same way again.  
"Naturally, Arthur would be the wife." I could no longer restrain myself, and joined everyone in their laughter. Ivan-sama had made a very good point, and while Alfred-san just smiled smugly as he kept his masculinity, Arthur-san's face was taken over by a blush of mortification and embarrassment. That just added to the hilarity of the situation. _

_It was not long after this that we unanimously agreed that we had to leave fast. Arthur-san had a habit of having mood swings. Hera-san was surprisingly good at making up an excuse for us to leave, and offered Aniki ideas. Hera-san knew he had to keep himself in Aniki's good books – at least until he calmed down. Aniki had a bit of a she-wolf complex, so to speak, and he would become very protective over any of his siblings. _

_Hera-san and I were still laughing even after we had left. It was a nice way to end the day. He insisted on walking back with me – even thought it was not even en route to his own home.  
"I don't mind, Kiku…I like being with you" I could feel yesterday's blush reappearing on my cheeks, and Hera-san just smiled at me. He was far too open about these things, but that was probably one of the reasons why I fell for him. I buried my face in his shoulder and mumbled that I liked being with him too. He just laughed and pulled me closer to him. I was surprised that we did not end up tripping over one another. The sun was setting over the buildings, and I suddenly realised how beautiful London could be; especially in the twilight sky setting. I smiled as early traces of the night wind whipped my hair across the part of my face not hidden in Hera-san's shoulder, and kissed him. What compelled me to do this suddenly was beyond my comprehension. But standing in the glow of the sun's final rays, his soft lips pressed against mine, I felt that nothing could possibly have been any better than that very moment, and somewhere a small part of me despaired slightly when it was forced to end._

It's now coming up to 11:00. I have to be at the hospital by 8:00 tomorrow, so it would be wise for me to sleep now. Needless to say, this day was definitely one of the best so far; not quite the best, but certainly one of them.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: Again, sorry this took so long. Geography coursework does not seem to have an end, ever. But there's some SealandxLatvia for elegentmess and Evening-Hush96 (I find it rather unfair that Word doesn't recognise Sealand. D8) **

**I need to update more…Gosangoku's so many chapters ahead of me and I told myself I'd be on par with him. Also been thinking about having something big happen to one of the other characters: Mattie, Yao or Arthur? That's right; I want you all to vote again!**

**Oh Kami I have a lot to do…if A Levels are worse than this then I probably won't make it past year 13! *sweatdrop * but I'll try, ne?**

**Gosh I'm running out of things to give you all for being so supportive (other than my sincere love, of course)…would plushies be enough for now? Just until my mind starts thinking of…well, things. Right now it's all stem cells, graphs, random Spanish words and Lord of the Flies…mainly.**


	10. Chapter 10

February 20th, 2010

Dear Diary,

Today was a rather good day I've arranged to meet Tino-san tomorrow. It will be so strange to see him after this many years, I do wonder if he's changed. And it would be nice to meet this Berwald-san he keeps talking about. He sounds interesting, if very different to Tino-san. But there it is again – the opposites attract theory. Apparently he scared Tino-san at first – I cannot imagine why. Maybe I'll see it when I meet him. The treatment this week was no different from the last. I feel that the quarantine is worse than actually taking a radioactive pill. When I did tell Alfred-san that he went mad. I decided to skip the technical – and rather plain – truths. If he thinks that I'll gain some sort of super power then I shall let him. Maybe overcoming this is a superpower in itself.

_Finally, I thought, a day to do what I want. Not that I do not enjoy seeing everyone I know, and that last time at Arthur-san's house still makes me giggle slightly, but it was just nice to have a day to relax. I had been very busy. I realised suddenly how much of Hera-san I had seen recently and how I still felt it was not enough. The times when I really needed him around were the ones where I was banned from seeing anyone. But that was neither his nor my fault; I always looked forward to seeing him afterwards. And yet I still worried that at any moment he would just break it off, and with each day came a new excuse in my mind. With each night I was reminded of another day when none of these excuses ever became reality. I told myself time and time again to stop worrying about it, but it was just something that I could not get rid of. Thankfully, Hera-san was always there to make those anxious feelings go away. But he was working today; at least he had an early finish. Gupta-san has kindly offered to swap shifts with Hera-san so that he could come see me today. I reminded myself to thank him for this sometime before I was due back at the hospital. But that meant that until 1:30 I was alone – and it was only 10:45. And so was the question – what was I to do until then? Arthur-san would probably not be awake, not if Alfred-san had his way. Aniki was likely to be awake, seeing as he always woke up early (for reasons I could never really understand). He would most likely be in my position, unless Ivan-sama or Yong Soo-san was bothering him. Well, Ivan-sama does not exactly bother Aniki, but Yong Soo-san does. He can only cope with so much of that boy's energy. But there was no harm in trying to contact him, just to see. It had been a while since I spoke to Aniki anyway._

_Obviously Yong Soo-san and Ivan-sama were leaving Aniki alone today – even if Meimei-chan* wasn't. But I had not seen her since I was first diagnosed, and I had never really considered calling her. There was a time when the two of us were very close, but over the years that closeness faded. Not entirely, but enough to be noticeable. Still, she did keep taking the phone from Aniki and announce the strangest things, so I assumed there would be no awkward silences. I was amazed at how quickly they arrived and I could only assume that Aniki made the near fatal mistake of letting Meimei-chan drive. The petrified look on his face also gave that away. Her driving was almost as bad as Feliciano-kun's. Not quite as horrendous, but a very close second. I could not help but laugh at his expression and remembered all the times when that was me. Next to him, Meimei-chan seemed oblivious to her mortified older brother and turned her attention to a hug which could have potentially broken several of my ribs. I really had forgotten how strong she could be. Afterwards it seemed that Aniki and Meimei-chan were competing over who could say the most without breathing, it got to the point where I was worried that one of them would suffocate. Eventually they calmed down and started talking at a pace which I could understand.  
"Kiku-nii, look what I did!" Meimei-chan proudly produced a picture of a sakura tree with a silhouette of a person under it.  
"It's wonderful, Meimei-chan" I replied. When we were close I had taught her to draw, and I was glad that she still did – she was very good at it. As was Aniki, so it must have been hereditary. He just sighed and told her that there were other things to talk about besides her picture. Meimei-chan just sighed, put it away and glared at Aniki for a bit. She got over it when I gave her some edamame – she had always liked it.  
"How are things, Kiku aru" I knew what Aniki was getting at, even if Meimei-chan didn't.  
"Yes, everything's just fine. Do you remember Tino-san? I'm seeing him tomorrow" Aniki stared at me with quizzical eyes, only to replace them with eyes of recognition.  
"No way aru! We haven't seen him in years aru! How is he aru?" At this point Meimei-chan got tired of being left in the dark and demanded to know exactly who we were talking about. It was times like those that reminded me just how young she really was – she always seemed so mature (in her own way)._

_They left around 1:00, after Meimei reminded Aniki that he lost a bet to her and therefore owed her a new dress. Aniki sighed, shrugged at me and left. It wasn't leaving so much as being dragged out the door by Meimei-chan, who was happily waving and telling me to visit her sometime. I smiled, remembering the days when all of my siblings would be under one roof, causing as much havoc as possible. It was fun, if semi-lethal. It did mean that I had a little while to do nothing, but half an hour was not so bad. I decided to pull out some of my old photo albums; not to be sentimental, but to just laugh at them. Almost all of my childhood pictures had a story behind them that would make me smile. I recalled stealing my things back from Yong Soo-san several times, and afterwards his room looked very empty. Then there was the time Karou-san** had to drag Meimei-chan away from Yong Soo-san because he announced to Aniki that it was her 'time of the month' – to which Aniki just stared and decided not to get involved. As I answered the door to Hera-san, I was still laughing at the memory of myself, Meimei-chan, Yong Soo-san and Michael-san asking Aniki one hundred awkward questions; looking back, I feel sorry for him, some of those questions were very awkward. Hera-san stared at me, totally unaware as to why I was laughing so much.  
"Sorry, Hera-san. I saw Aniki and Meimei-chan today and it brought back a lot of memories" I smiled. Even though he still had no idea what exactly it was that was so funny, he smiled back and hugged me.  
"I don't mind…it's nice to see you happy" I could feel a blush work its way onto my face, and willed it away. Unfortunately it did not go fast enough for Hera-san to not notice. He smiled fondly and poked my cheek, which did not help me in my mission to make the blush disappear. Realising it was a losing battle; I looked down at the floor. He cupped my chin and forced me to look at him.  
"Don't be shy…you're cute…" My eyes widened and I was not too sure how I was supposed to respond to such an embarrassing statement. I mumbled a thank you and lead him inside. He laughed; obviously my embarrassment was amusing to him. I decided to let it go – it was not as if he was hurting anybody. _

_I was going to let it go – until I realised I had left the albums on the coffee table. And Hera-san had noticed them. I was mentally kicking myself for giving him yet another opportunity to make fun of me. I know he was just teasing me, but it was embarrassing! As he was raised in Greece, he picked up on the laid back, carefree, loving traits of Greek people. This meant that to him this was just a sign of affection, but I was once again at a loss of words. I was not used to this at all – even though Hera-san and I had always been very close, I had never had such a concentrated amount of pure love from him until this year. He picked up one picture of me and Aniki when we were both children. I must have been roughly four years old and him 10 years old. We were both laughing and pointing at something, I could not exactly remember what, but we were in hysterics.  
"You look so cute Kiku…" I busied myself making tea, humming a response to him. I knew that he would hold onto this for a very, very long time. A few times I had to describe the stories behind the pictures, which resulted in me once again laughing hysterically. Hera-san did not quite get why as he could not see the images I had in my mind. There was no doubt about it – I had a wonderful childhood._

_How the hours flew by. Eventually I managed to pack up the photo albums before anything too horrific was discovered; everyone has at least one embarrassing baby picture. I wanted to move off the topic as well, as I recalled Hera-san telling me that he lost his mother at a young age. I did not want to bring up any painful memories for him – even though he says from what he can recall, his mother was a very happy person. Even though it was a lesson taught a long time ago, Hera-san was living what he had learned.  
"You only get one shot at this, so always make the most of everything. Don't waste a second"  
"You remember your mother telling you that, Hera-san?" He nodded.  
"This may sound cliché, but it's gotten me through a lot of things" He smiled even though what he said seemed sad to me. But now that phrase was a habit to him – he would not waste a single moment. I hugged him; it somehow felt appropriate. Even though I could not see his face, I could tell he was still smiling. He returned my hug and played with my hair. Usually I hated it when people did that, but it was relaxing when he did. I could feel myself slowly falling asleep against his chest, but forced myself to stay awake. How rude would it be if I fell asleep on my guest, even if it was Hera-san? I looked up at him, and once again I was taken over by that amazing smile and had to return it. He leant down so that our noses were touching and I felt my heart beat faster. I wondered if Hera-san could feel it too. Then, as if to complete the moment, he slowly kissed me. I could never grow tired of the feeling of his soft lips against mine, and how he managed to completely desensitise me. He deepened the kiss slightly, but enough to make me gasp. Taking advantage of the situation, he slid his tongue into my mouth, using it to gently wrestle against my own. By then I was convinced that my heart was going to beat its way out of my chest. I began returning the kiss, hoping that I could drag that moment on for as long as possible. But like everyone else, we could only go so long without breathing. There was no point in me even trying to make that stupid blush go away, but for some reason I did not mind so much that it was there._

I have a feeling that tomorrow will be just as good as today. I cannot wait to see Tino-san again, and he said that I should bring Hera-san too. It appears that karma is on my side again. I just hope it stays that way.

Kiku. xo

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**AN: Hetalia's not mine. There would be so much more Ho Yay if it was. And there would be more Giripan.  
I hate fevers. I really do. Sorry this took so long, but hey I made it longer for you! And there's some promised SuFin for everyone! I'm such a sucker for China/Japan sibling love. Seriously. Okay I promise after October updates will come much quicker, just give me time to finish my coursework – that's right, I'm going to watch America eat up all my time. bloody History. And that reminded me: my school has banned my year from eating hamburgers. Good thing I'm English, ne?**

**Also just so you know, the thing that'll either happen to Arthur, Yao or Mattie will (knowing me) most likely be bad…I'm sorry!! Just so you know before you vote so enthusiastically. xD**

**I think I've done all the requests…if not can you guys remind me what you asked for? I lost track after a while *OTL*. To those STILL reading, kudos. Here's some jelly babies – they're good for revision apparently. **

**EDIT: Man, I really have to start rereading these. *Meimei is the fan name given to Taiwan, it's Mandarin for 'little sister' (I think..) and Karou is Hong Kong's name. (:**


	11. Chapter 11

February 21st, 2010

Dear Diary,

Finding Tino-san was easy; he really has not changed much at all. But I do see how Berwald-san scared him – he scared me at first! But thankfully I had Hera-san to protect me, and it turned out that Berwald-san was actually nice; he just had a very scary aura. Obviously it was something Tino-san had grown used to. It really was nice to see him again and catch up on all the lost years.

_For a while I did have a small fear that I would not recognise Tino-san or that he would not recognise me. The whole time I looked out for him Hera-san remained unusually quiet. It was to be expected though – I had not explained fully who Tino-san was and I knew that despite his easygoing nature, Hera-san can be very jealous. I felt I should remind him that Tino-san was not (and never would be) a threat to him.  
"Hera-san, don't look so worried. Tino-san and I went to university together, and we felt we should meet up because he's visiting his brother and it's been years since we've seen each other" Hera-san hummed in understanding. I sighed slightly, realising that he still needed further convincing.  
"He also wants me to meet his partner, Berwald-san. I've told Tino-san about you and he's very excited about meeting you" Obviously mentioning that Tino-san was already in a relationship was what Hera-san wanted to hear. As touching as it was for him to be so possessive, I did not want another incident like that with Sadiq-san. I still could not for the life of me figure out why his name and face was so familiar, and I still made sure that Hera-san did not know. Only Kami knows what he would do if he found out. Only minutes later, a small, rather excited blonde waved at us, with another blonde beside him. I instantly recognised Tino-san; he had barely changed at all! I could only assume that the other man was this Berwald-san he had talked so much about. Indeed, he did seem rather intimidating – he was very tall – and stern, but not too threatening. Not that I had much to worry about – if he showed any signs of threat towards me, Hera-san would be fighting him faster than I could register it._

_Berwald-san and Hera-san stood awkwardly as Tino-san and I exchanged stories and caught up on many, many lost years. He'd been happy to return to Finland and start working as a home economics teacher. I had always found his food to be rather strange but if it was typical of his country then I suppose he did cook rather well. He told me that he had met Berwald-san when he went on holiday in Sweden and that they had gradually developed a strong relationship. They seemed like as much of a married couple as Arthur-san and Alfred-san did, and I mentioned it once (as a joke) and Berwald-san retorted in a rather serious tone that Tino-san was his wife. After seeing the look in Tino-san's eyes and hearing him shout that he is __not__ Berwald-san's wife, I realised it was a subject I should stay away from. Hera-san and I just looked at each other in a silent agreement that his reaction was unexpected. Still, only Tino-san could make something that was obviously meant to be threatening seem cute. In return to Tino-san's stories, I explained to him that Hera-san and I had become close when he looked after my dog Pochi-kun, and even after I had to move him to another vet because Hera-san was promoted to a larger clinic further away, we still kept in touch. I also explained that I worked in media and advertising for a small company. I never once mentioned that I had severe lung cancer or less than a year to live – even when he said we should make this an annual thing. Only I noticed the hurt glint in Hera-san's eyes when Tino-san said that, and I suddenly felt guilty for leaving him._

"_I've almost forgotten my way around London, it's been so long!" I smiled at Tino-san's amazement at the city. He was rediscovering London, and things that had become common parts of daily life suddenly seemed like new wonders to him. He would cling to Berwald-san's jacket in excitement and point something out to him. In return, the Swedish man would nod and occasionally smile at him. Hera-san and I found it very hard to understand Berwald-san when he talked, so we would nod and smile in the hope that he had asked us a yes or no question or made a statement we should agree with. Thankfully he only looked at us oddly once. Tino-san must have known him for a long time to have gained the ability to translate whatever Berwald-san says into something understandable. I did feel bad for them, as Tino-san and I talked a lot about things only we would understand. It would not have been so bad if Hera-san and Berwald-san had been talkative people, but apparently they were both men of few words. It was rather awkward. They just looked at us strangely and tried to follow whatever we said. _

_Unfortunately winter clung to England more than the other seasons, and so it was still getting dark relatively early. By 5:30 we would have no idea where we were if it were not for the endless chains of streetlamps giving bursts of light to the city. It also meant almost everything except for restaurants and nightclubs were closing. Although I do love the city, it can be very boring sometimes.  
"T'no, w' h'v' t' g' n'w" Tino-san stared at Berwald-san with a slightly disheartened look. Apparently my face was amusing Hera-san – I was only trying to figure out what Berwald-san had said.  
"Do we? Already?!" He was right; the day had just flown by. I could not see how we had spent so long in central London but apparently we had. Sighing, Tino-san turned to us.  
"We've got an early flight back tomorrow, so we've got to go. I'll see you next time we come back though!" His face lit up at the last comment, and I smiled sadly at him. There might not be a next time, I thought. But who was I to ruin his trip? I nodded and agreed that I would see him next time. In the back of my mind, I hoped Kami would help him when I was not there to greet him. Although I never once looked at him, I knew that the sadness in Hera-san's eyes had returned. The knot in my stomach reminded me of its presence and I wanted to shout out about anything; everything. But I watched them depart and tried to return Tino-san's enthusiastic goodbye.  
_

"_You…never told him."  
"I couldn't, you can't tell someone that happy something like that, Hera-san" His voice had taken on the emotions of his eyes. I mentally begged him to stop – I felt horrible about the whole thing. After Berwald-san and Tino-san left he had been slightly more attached to me, and I was not going to tell him to stop anytime soon. I was really going to miss him.  
"Besides, what if this all works out? He'll never need to know" I tried to be hopeful: for Meimei-chan, Aniki, Hera-san, Arthur-san and myself. I just needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay – even if that someone were myself. Hera-san smiled at me, his eyes tinted with hope.  
"Come on, I'm hungry" I laughed and agreed. I did not feel like cooking either, if I were totally honest. We spent the rest of the evening watching terribly corny romance films (just because they were amusing) and eating pizza. If I'd known that I just needed a night in with him to make me feel better, I would have done so weeks ago. Instead of breaking down to poor Arthur-san. _

_I could not remember when I fell asleep, but when I woke up Hera-san was nowhere to be seen and there was a note left on the coffee table. He was explaining that he had to go because he had a morning shift tomorrow and that he hoped I slept well. I smiled – only he would be concerned about waking me up._

That last part was about half an hour ago. I'm still exhausted, but for some reason I just cannot sleep. I don't like insomnia at all. Maybe I'll read a little and see if that works – Arthur-san's given me this book and has demanded that I read it. Why did he demand this? Because it's British. Patriotism just reached a new level.

Kiku. xo

* * *

**AN: OMFG MerryxMaking DID YOU JUST SUBMIT SOMETHING!? Yes, I did. I'm so sorry guys! I have mocks in two weeks and loads of coursework and well, if you're British you'll understand. Year 11 sucks. And some other stuff came up, so it's been hard to write. Still, it's Christmas soon! Yay! Maybe I'll do a Giripan one-shot for it. I love Christmas 8D**

**I'll forgive you if you lecture me about the hiatus. I'll try to update more, really. I might have to during the mocks…they're driving me mad. I have no idea how I'll cope with the real things. But I've done three science exams already and I got A's (: go me. **

**I wish I could physically give you things, but I'll offer you my love. And apologies again. Some of you have asked when it's going to go up in rating. I swear it will, but I'm writing in terms of the year – they've only been going out for about a month! :P**

**Te quiero amigos! (Spanish skills, oh yeah.) **


	12. Chapter 12

February 19th 2010

Dear Diary,

Recently life has been normal. It has nearly been two months since I was diagnosed and I am waiting for things to take a bad turn. Then again, I do have the remainder of the year. Well, not exactly. Aniki and I spoke to Dr. Roderich after some tests and he estimates that I have until around October, maybe November if things are going well. But if things go the way we wish for them to, the cancer will go away and I will live for many more years. Needless to say, Aniki did not take the news well. Family has always taken priority in his life, and even though we have had a difficult past, the idea of my impending death still hits him harder than it does me.

"_You're responding to the radiotherapy, but not as well as we had hoped. But we must remember that these are still early days, it may just take a while for the effects to make themselves apparent" Even though Dr. Roderich was attempting to be comforting (and nurse Elizaveta nodded behind him to emphasise his point, which did help), Aniki was clearly not being fooled by his kind words.  
"How long does my brother have, aru." His voice was flat, like he was giving in. What was he surrendering to? It was my illness, and I planned to keep fighting it. Even if I do not start to respond as well as expected to my treatment, I can at least die with the knowledge that I tried.  
"Not the whole year. Now I would say around October or November, depending on how well the treatment goes" Aniki's face fell, and the news took a while to sink in. I did not even have the whole year. I may never see another Christmas with my family, or spend New Years Eve with my friends. I kept my appearance strong for those around me, as was expected of my Japanese culture. Nurse Elizaveta always commented on how well I was coping with everything, and that I could always talk to her. I was starting to wish that Dr. Roderich would notice her infatuation with him, as she is a kind-hearted woman.  
"I would also like to suggest surgery to you. You would need it more than once, but it could drastically help with reducing the cancer." I had never considered surgery. I asked Dr. Roderich if I could have a surgical consult with me in the next appointment and he agreed. As we left, I knew Aniki would hold onto this for the rest of the day. _

"_I know there's a high risk in surgery, Hera-san. But Dr. Roderich really thinks it could improve my chances" Hera-san had taken a day off because he was coming down with that cold that always went around during this time of the year. He never made a big deal about being ill, and now he was even less likely to, even though I told him repeatedly that his health was just as important as mine. He looked almost shell-shocked when I told him I had eight or nine months left to live. But I did not phrase it like that – it sounds too scary.  
"O-only…October?" I sighed, not in exasperation but in guilt. I had not meant to upset him this much, but I knew he would be even more upset if I did not tell him.  
"Or November, we have to stay positive. I'm still hoping that this treatment may work" I was yet to ask Dr. Roderich what the odds were of this ever coming back, and I hoped that Hera-san would not ask. Thankfully, he saved that question for another day. He knew I was tired because I had just been released from my weekly radiotherapy session and asked if I wanted to sleep. Even though I did, I told him not to go. What I did not tell him was that the thought of not even having a whole year to live was terrifying me, and that two whole months had gone by already. Never before had my life seemed go just slip through my fingers. I could not tell him this; I did not have the open nature that he did. I knew he could sense that there was something I was not telling him, but Hera-san knew much about the mind and how it works, and knew that I would tell him when I wanted to…or when it was too much to keep bottled up. I prayed he was not cruel enough for it to be the latter. However his cold eventually started to get the better of him and I demanded that he go home and rest. I was saddened when Hera-san left, but only because I suddenly felt that horrible, sinking feeling of pure fear. I was truly alone in this now, and even as I stood to consider all of this, the clock was ticking for me. It was all I could hear: tick, tock, tick, tock…_

_I did not want to talk to Arthur-san. He was a wonderful friend to me but once again he was working so hard on his book, and I could not trouble him because I was starting to panic. I considered calling nurse Elizaveta and taking up her offer of talking to her, but that also seemed bothersome. In the end, I called Hera-san again. I felt bad for doing so, but it seemed that he was the person I could go to. Even Aniki would just break down about it. How he could care so much was beyond me. I had done things in the past which were unforgivable and in the end he still took me back as his brother. He still looked after me and made sure I was okay, even when I had hurt him. We fought, as all siblings do, about most things. He would often become annoyed that Meimei-chan would side with me and I would become annoyed that Yong Soo-san would side with him. But the fights grew more and more personal, and after a while even Meimei-chan and Yong Soo-san knew that it was in their best interest to stay out of them. They even began to get physical, first we would throw things at each other and that would turn into hand to hand combat. One day I really hurt him, and he barely seemed to move. I was scared of myself, of what I had done and of what my siblings would think of me, so I fled. I did not know where I was going or how long I was going to be there, but I knew I had to leave. I would have stayed away forever if Aniki had not found me and called me back again. I remembered him telling me that in the time it took for him to recover, he realised that life was too short for anger and grudges, and that he just wanted his little brother back. I panicked and cried on his shoulder for what felt like a lifetime, and the entire time he stood and told me that everything was okay.  
"Come home, Kiku aru…" The words were ghosts in my mind, and although the fact that everything went on as normal drove me mad. I knew that was when Yong Soo-san started to hate me, and I could not see why Meimei-chan continued to admire me so much. It was a time we had all tried to forget, but each of us could not vanquish those memories, no matter how much we wished to. Aniki still wore the scars that I gave him that day and I still had furniture from the basic flat where I had taken refuge. I had never gone back to that part of London, but now I wondered if I should. With such little time left, I should face my past. _

"_Hello?" Jumping slightly, I was pulled out of my thoughts. I regained composure quickly though, as I had been trained to do.  
"Ah, Hera-san…I hope I'm not bothering you…"  
"Kiku? No it's fine!" Even though his voice sounded a little stuffy, it was sweet for him to sound so excited.  
"I was calling because…well…I…I'm scared" I could sense that the happiness had evaporated into maturity. I had a feeling he knew this call would come eventually.  
"Of course you are. You haven't shown any signs of it…you shouldn't do that. I don't mind you talking to me" I blushed slightly when I remembered how I broke down on the phone to Arthur-san, and nodded weakly before I realised that Hera-san could not see me.  
"I-I know, but I hope that if I stay strong, so will everyone else"  
"And is it working?"  
"…Not exactly. Alfred-san seems to be himself still and most others act as if nothing's wrong." I felt almost dejected at that thought. Did that mean nobody cared that I was going to die?  
"They're in denial, Kiku. They don't want to admit that we're losing you" I took a deep breath and gathered all the courage I had to ask something that I was afraid to hear the answer to.  
"Do you deny it" Then there was a pause. A long pause which caused my anxiety to build up. Was that a bad thing to ask?  
"Not anymore. But I don't like thinking about it…I don't want to lose you." My eyes watered as he said this, for the joy of knowing he loved me and for the sadness of knowing that I may leave him.  
"You haven't lost me yet, Hera-san. We still have time" Why I said 'we' instead of 'I' was something I did not understand, but it somehow felt right. I could tell that he was smiling, and as light tears fell down my cheeks, I smiled too.  
"I know, Kiku." We hung up shortly after. It was getting late, and I was still very tired. Thinking about my past and my future was exhausting, but it was the one thing that kept me awake._

Tomorrow I want to call Aniki. Before I can go back to that time I need to know why he forgave me – the full reason. Even I know he did not have a sudden epiphany and decide it, and it will help me understand why my illness is so upsetting to him. I must also ask Meimei-chan why she still favours me.

Kiku. xo

* * *

**AN: Argh, another long hiatus. I'm sorry, I had mocks and I have to revise over Christmas too for my actual science GCSEs. It's horrible…but I got A's last time so I'm pretty confident (: Anyway, thanks for still being so patient! I'd want to slap me if I were you Dx. I know I say I'll try to update more, but this is going to be a busy year, I can tell already. But I'm halfway through already! That's a good thing…right? **

**Anyway, It's Christmas…now, basically! I've been so excited ^^ even my ten year old sister's being more mature than me. Oh well, I love Christmas.**

**So thanks again to you all, and have a very, very Merry Christmas! I hope you all get nice presents and have a great time :D 3**


	13. Chapter 13

February 21st, 2010

Dear Diary,

It's been a long day again. Apparently the radiation pills will have to be made stronger, because my reactions to these ones are slowing down. The good news is I should be able to have surgery in April to try and remove cancerous tissues. Of course it is a scary prospect for me, but I choose not to think about it. And besides, talking about it would just bring down everybody's moods, and I really do not wish to do that. Tino-san and Berwald-san left early this morning, and as sentimental as I was at the thought of never seeing Tino-san again, I am glad that he's happy.

_Nurse Elizaveta was back again today. Apparently she had a run in with Gilbert-san earlier in the month and found herself knocking him out with a frying pan. I chose not to ask why she did this, as the murderous look in her eyes when she mentioned him was scary enough. Dr Roderich's expression worried me the most though, as I had come to realise that a sombre look means that something has gone wrong.  
"I know it's still early days, and there's a chance that this is just temporary, but you're not responding to the radiotherapy as well as you were when we first started. I'm not going to take you off it, but I'm increasing the radiation dosage." I nodded, but no matter how hard I tried I could not focus on him as he explained the difference between alpha and beta radiation and what the next step would be. It was something else to keep me awake at night.  
"The good news, Kiku, is that you are completely eligible for surgery, which could dramatically increase your chances. However it would have to be in a few months time." I nodded again.  
"Better late than never" Dr Roderich smiled sadly. I guess even he knew that considering my chances and how long I have left to live that this could easily be a losing battle.  
"Of course, better late than never" He stood and seemed to ponder something for a few seconds before scheduling another appointment and letting me be on my way. _

_The sky was perfectly clear, which was odd for British weather. But that only meant that the wind would be colder. I hoped Hera-san would be okay, Greece was never as cold as England. But then again, he had been here for a while. It was a silly thing to worry about, but it was something to take my mind off the failing treatment. If the radiotherapy stopped having an effect altogether, then I would probably ask to stop any other treatments. The surgery would help, but I was relying on those radioactive pills to help the most. Without them, I really did not stand a fighting chance. I had promised Arthur-san that I would see him today, as it had been a while since we last spoke. It was not that we did not want to, but he had been so busy with his book and I with my treatment that it was hard to find the time, and I did often like to see Hera-san for obvious reasons. And he was a little possessive and would prefer me to not go too long without him. It never bothered me because I knew that he was always what I needed him to be, and I could always rely on him. Although Arthur-san was my best friend, I always felt that it would be too much for him if I told him everything. Besides, Alfred-san could be like a child sometimes, and Arthur-san would need the strength and mental stability to take care of him instead of worry about me. We had agreed to meet in a small cafe near our apartments. We used to go there often when we were first friends, but only because Arthur seemed to prefer the tea there. Sometimes I would order coffee, just to wind him up. I saw him smile as I walked in, and hoped that he had not been there for too long. But I was more or less on time, and it was just like him to be early for everything. I would have been too, if I did not have to discuss option with Dr Roderich. I pushed the thoughts aside and sat down opposite him.  
"Hey, how was the appointment?" I paused for a second to consider exactly what I should tell him.  
"It was good, they said I'm eligible for surgery in April. That's meant to really help" I smiled. I was not lying to him, just not telling him the entire truth. Arthur-san nodded and smiled back, before looking down slightly.  
"You paused. What aren't you telling me?" I had forgotten that Arthur's ability to read the atmosphere was second to none, and he could probably tell from the moment he asked me that I was hiding something. Despite all the years I have known him, it is something that always shocks me at first.  
"Nothing major, just a discussion I had with the doctor"  
"About what?" His tone was not threatening, like most people tend to be when asking such a question. If I had not known Arthur-san better, I would have though that he was scared.  
"My therapy, they just have to increase the radiation, that's all" Two cups of tea were placed in front of us. Trust Arthur-san to think ahead. He stopped for a second, as if he wanted to say something but at the same time did not. Was he worried about what the response would be?  
"Why?" Pause. Think.  
"Because my reactions aren't as strong as they were at first. But the doctor said that it is still too early to say that the therapy is failing" Arthur-san nodded and smiled at me, but it was strained. I immediately felt guilty.  
"But can we talk about something else? It seems that my hospital life is all we ever talk about"  
"We worry about you, Kiku" It was barely audible, but he knew that I heard him. I smiled at him.  
"And I'm grateful, but you have a life too. I'd really like to just have a normal conversation today" Suddenly Arthur-san started chuckling slightly. Confused, I asked him what he found so amusing.  
"Guess what Al's doing today" I told him that I did not know, but assumed that it was something typical land maybe a bit stupid.  
"I told him to read the atmosphere, so he's going around every bookstore looking for a book called 'The Atmosphere'" I laughed as well at that. It was something that only Alfred-san would do. Well, that is a lie. Feliciano-san would do it too._

_When Arthur-san had to leave because Alfred-san was very frustrated that he could not find his book, I decided to visit Hera-chan. Pochi needed a check up soon anyway, and as he worked in a small clinic it was never fully booked. I went home to get the little white ball of fluff that is actually a dog and headed off, with Pochi oblivious as to where we were going. Although Hera-san preferred cats, he never minded Pochi. If he did, he never showed it. Gutpa-san was discussing something with the receptionist (most likely a patient) when I walked in, which made me wonder if Hera-chan was at work today. Gutpa-san just smiled at me.  
"I'll go get Heracles for you, shall I?" I nodded and bowed slightly and he disappeared behind a door clearly labelled 'STAFF ONLY'. From what I had heard, late afternoons were usually quite slow, as people always had other things to do. Moments later, Hera-san appeared from the same door. He smiled and motioned for me to go into one of the consultation rooms. Pochi finally figured out where he was when I put him down on the metal table covered with a think, black plastic which seemed to take up most of the room. He whimpered slightly and tried to get away. Hera-san took him and handed him a large biscuit to calm him down.  
"How are you today?" It was a repeat of earlier in the cafe, only I was not going to hide things from Hera-san. He was the one person I told everything to.  
"I'm not responding as well to the therapy, so they're giving me stronger doses. But I'm going to have surgery in April which should help a lot" Although Hera-san did not look up from the scales where he weighed Pochi, he did stall for a moment. I looked at my feet and tried to work out what happened next. As much as I love Hera-san, he can be hard to predict sometimes.  
"But you've not stopped completely?"  
"No, not at all. And there's still time for things to improve again" He nodded and continued checking Pochi's vitals. For the first time since we started talking, Hera-san looked at me.  
"You still have faith, right?" I smiled and nodded. I was not lying – I still did have faith. It was the only thing that kept me calm when Hera-san was not there.  
"Good. I didn't want to think I was the only one" I tried to decipher what that meant exactly. Obviously it meant that Hera-san believed that there was hope for me, but there was usually a cryptic message when he said those sorts of things.  
"I know you've been getting bad news recently, but things do get better, I've seen it happen. And I like to think that if you keep on believing that good things will happen, then they will" He smiled at me, and I realised that in a strange way, he may be right. Optimists were positive for a reason, after all.  
"Of course. You watch, Hera-san, when we're standing here next year" It was an image I could not quite form in my mind, but I hoped that one day I would be able to._

I really need to go to sleep early tonight, I have not slept well recently and Dr Roderich noticed this, but nurse Elizaveta told him not to shout at me for it. As scary as she was, she is a very nice person. This is all for now, next time will probably be after my next session – I hope it goes well so that I can tell people good things for once.

Kiku. xo

* * *

**AN: UGH ANOTHER LONG HIATUS! Blame Arthur and his GCSEs which he insists on making me do. Good news though, I think I have a place in the sixth form I want to go to :D yay! I've decided that I always want the story to be ahead of me in time, that way I have to keep on writing regularly. **

***gives out scones* These are for everyone (: do what you gotta do.**


	14. Chapter 14

February 25th, 2010

Dear Diary,

I have some time off next week – apparently I had booked it earlier because I knew all of my siblings were coming to visit and I knew Aniki would need some help. Although I had completely forgotten that I had already done that, it was nice to be able to sound prepared when I told him. They're coming on Sunday, so that may be when I next write in. If I ever get the chance to, that is. It's been a nostalgic day, just remembering how life was before things started to go wrong. Only Yong Soo-san, Meimei-chan and Aniki have seen me since I first found out that I have cancer. I'm not sure whether I should dread or anticipate the reactions of my other siblings.

_Hera-san had not been feeling well, so he took the day off today. I asked if he would rather be alone to rest, but a part of me knew that he was much more comfortable around people. Besides, if I had left him on his own when he was sick it would have haunted me all day. But it would also have been rude for me to not bring something to help him feel slightly better. Although it had no particular healing qualities (unlike Alfred-san's chicken and noodle soup, which he swore blind would cure colds), I knew Hera-san especially liked fried gyoza. It meant that I was a little bit late – which I had to admit was not something I liked – but I thought it would cheer him up if I made some for him. I was just very lucky that it did, otherwise it would have meant that I had wasted time, ingredients and effort. But even if it had not cheered him up, Hera-san would try his best not to show it – even though he knows that after seeing him this often I can read his face as clearly as if he had written his feelings on it._

_Although he could not eat that much at a time because it hurt his throat, Hera-san still finished the gyoza surprisingly quickly.  
"Hera-san, are you sure you should eat so quickly? You might make yourself sick..."  
"I don't feel that bad, Kiku. Besides, I haven't eaten all day; I'm hungry" I laughed at the slight pout that became evident towards the end of that. This was a side of Hera-san that many people never saw, just like his violent side. But to be fair to him, the only person to truly understand the extent of that is Sadiq-san. I had never really seen Hera-san when he was sick before – he was usually very healthy and would simply call if he felt ill and could not make it somewhere. Although it was only a small fever and nothing serious, it was still something. He spent most of the day lying down, and even his various cats knew not to get too close in case it triggered something. However, it was still perfectly fine to climb all over me.  
"I'm sorry about them. Here, I'll move them for you" Hera-chan moved to get up, but I simply dismissed it.  
"They're all very cute. You're very lucky that you're a vet, Hera-san. Otherwise the bills would be awful" He laughed slightly and nodded.  
"I'm sure they would be. But its worth it to keep them all" As he said this, one particularly brave cat strolled up to him and sat beside the sofa, impatiently mewing for attention. Hera-san stroked it and smiled.  
"I found this one on the street. No one claimed him, so I took him in" That seemed to be the case for most of his cats. But there was something that seemed rather odd about it.  
"Hera-san, don't you name them?" He stared blankly at me, as if I had just asked him something in Danish.  
"The cats, do they not have names?" He once again looked down at the black and white cat, which was now looking at him expectantly.  
"It's hard to think of names for them all." I laughed slightly. With only one dog, it was relatively easy for me to think of – and remember, for that matter – a name for Pochi. I looked at the two tortoiseshell kittens sleeping in my lap.  
"Can I name these two?" Hera-san nodded, and picked the demanding cat up to rest him on his stomach. One of the kittens woke up, and had endless fun chasing and catching my finger.  
"This can be Tsuki-chan" The kitten mewed happily, before pouncing on my hand and catching my finger once again. It was only fair that I let her win every so often. I looked at the other, sleeping cat.  
"And this can be...Miko-chan" The sleeping kitten barely moved at all, and I tried my best to remain still so that she could sleep. Hera-san smiled.  
"It seems unfair now that they have names and the others don't" I promised that the next time I visited I would help him name the rest of the cats._

_When I got home (after Hera-san assured me that he was feeling better and would be okay), I called Aniki to confirm that everyone was still meeting as planned on Sunday.  
"Yes, aru. Meimei, Yong Soo and Karou are meeting me here and then we're going to the airport to meet the others aru. I know you live equidistant to both places, so where you want to meet us is up to you aru"  
"I'd like to meet with you beforehand, if that's okay" Even after all these years, I still felt the need to ask permission for the little things. I have a feeling it's a habit I'll always have.  
"Of course, aru! I have plenty of food for everyone aru!" Aniki was as lively as ever, rambling on about whether Thuy-chan's hair had grown or if Niran-kun still added 'ana~' to the end of his phrases every so often. So many years have gone by since I saw everyone together that I wonder if it will be like before, where I would always make breakfast because Aniki would sleep in, but that was okay because he had a lot of work to do in order to take care of us all. I would help him run around after the others, but at some point Meimei-chan would find a way to take up all of my attention. We would draw or tend to the garden, and at some point Yong Soo-san would loudly jump into the calmness and claim that various belongings of mine – including my chest – belonged to him. Aniki would have to tell him otherwise and give him food to occupy him. Karou-kun would be feeding his interest in pyrotechnics by breaking into Aniki's firework shed (which one of us would have to drag him out of) and Niran-kun would have endless fun annoying Thuy-chan in whatever way he could, usually by pulling her hair or stealing her hat. Then, at the end of the day, we would somehow manage to sit down to a meal which Aniki would have spent hours preparing and settle into a quiet evening, often involving Meimei-chan asking for stories about samurais and geishas, while Yong Soo would just ask Aniki anything that would mean his attention was focused solely on him._

Yes, today has been very nostalgic. I want Hera-san to meet the rest of my family, but at the same time I worry over what they might do. Life before we all started to separate was very hectic, but strangely enough I miss those days. As tiring as they were, things were so very much simpler in comparison to now.

Kiku. xo

* * *

**AN: Why do I keep going on hiatus? Because from now until the end of June I have to revise 2 hours a night, five nights a week. Minimum. Iggy must have been very drunk to decide that GCSEs were good things. -.-;**

**Niran = Thailand (stole the name from Gosangoku, but he won't sue me~)  
Thuy = Vietnam (again, Gosangoku's idea, but we happen to have a Vietnamese friend so we stole her name ^^;)**

**And yes, I am aware that there are more Asian nations, but it's hard enough to fit them all in as it is! D: maybe Mongolia and Tibet will appear later, if I find a way to fit them in.**

**Well I give you kitty love and the promise that I'll update more because I'm determined to keep this story ahead of the actual date. Enjoy more scones until then! *gives***


	15. Chapter 15

27th February, 2010

Dear Diary,

It's been a hectic lead up to today. Aniki was always rushing everywhere to make sure that everything was absolutely perfect. Like me, he had not seen Niran-kun and Thuy-chan in a very long time, and wanted to impress them. I suppose he still wanted them to think of him as their amazing big brother who would always take care of them. A part of me actually wondered if Niran-kun would last the plane journey here, because there was a high chance that Thuy-chan would consider killing him, and if she still had her paddles with her then she may be able to do so. The possibility of that happening was rather worrying, but thankfully they both seemed to be in perfect condition (though a little bit tired).

_We had been waiting for a couple of hours due to a flight delay, and as expected Yong Soo-san and Meimei-chan were getting bored. I was as well, but did not want to show it in case Aniki did so as well and lost his excitement. He's been so cheerful recently because of the reunion and I would be damned if I ruined it for him. Besides, Meimei-chan and Yong Soo-san never openly said they were bored, but it was easy to tell because they kept on making useless conversations about small things. And Yong Soo-san kept on trying to take my jacket and claim that it was actually his. I suppose people really never do change. Aniki did look a little disheartened when they announced the delay, but thankfully he has always been relatively optimistic and was easy to cheer up.  
"Ah, they're going to be an hour late, aru..."  
"An hour!? We could go home!" Yong Soo-san huffed a little and sat down, while Meimei-chan seemed to ignore what Aniki had said entirely. They never really got along as well as Aniki would have liked them to.  
"It always happens, Aniki. We're lucky it's only an hour...besides, at least we know they definitely won't miss the flight!" He smiled and nodded.  
"That's true, aru. Niran was always too laid back when it came to these things aru..." Almost as soon as I started giggling at that, Meimei-chan joined in as if she had only just realised the conversation was happening. _

_It had always upset Aniki that she showed a slight preference to me, but I always told him that it was because I spent a lot of time with her when she was younger. We once overheard her telling Thuy-chan (who never really showed if she had favourite siblings) that she felt as if Aniki had abandoned her. Thuy-chan was quick to remind her that Aniki paid for her house and belongings and always made sure that she could eat, but Meimei-chan just shook her head and asked why Aniki never really played with her when she was little.  
"It's always been Kiku-nii who looked after me. Yao does all the technical stuff and keeps me alive, but Kiku-nii taught me how to draw and garden and tells me bedtime stories...I don't see why Yao can't." Thuy-chan paused for a moment, a rare glimpse of sympathy sparkled in her eyes. It was true that Meimei-chan was the first sister we had, and Aniki was not too sure how to deal with her. At the time I tried not to look at him in case what I saw would haunt me. Looking back, a part of me wishes I did.  
"Well...he has a lot to do...and there's a lot of us to lo—NIRAN!! IS THAT MY PADDLE!?" And that was the last we heard them speak of it. Aniki was different that month._

_Now that she's older, Meimei-chan is able to talk to Aniki in a civilised manner (most of the time) but it's apparent that she still has these thoughts. On the other hand, Yong Soo-san had always completely adored Aniki, and after the 'incident' (as it became known as) he made it clear that he hated me, and would tell me so on a near daily basis. He still does, but I find a strange sort of comfort in his hatred. It always reminds me that some things in life will always be there._

"_Why did you do it?" He just appeared. It had been a few years since 'it' happened, and I had not been back home for very long.  
"Excuse me?"  
"You know, attack Aniki. Why did you do it?" I stared at him and said nothing. Not because I did not want to answer him, but because I just could not. I had no reason, it just happened. I shook my head, still staring.  
"Thought so." And then he left. That was the moment I realised that he hated me, and I knew I deserved it. That night, all I could think of were clips and images from that day. Even now, it still makes me feel sick._

_A woman began announcing the landed flights, and I jumped slightly. I had to stop zoning out as much.  
"Kiku-nii? You've gone all pale – are you okay?" When did Meimei-chan move next to me? I hoped that she didn't say anything to me; it would have been rude if I did not reply.  
"Hm? Oh I'm fine! I didn't realise..." She nodded cheerfully and skipped off to find the others after their flight was announced as one of the ones that had just landed. I went with her too, but not before I noticed the concern in Aniki's eyes when Meimei-chan had asked me how I was feeling.  
"Are you really okay, aru?"  
"Yes, yes, of course. I was just thinking" He also nodded, and looked out for Thuy-chan and Niran-kun. Although when they did come into sight it was very hard to miss them. Niran-kun was already teasing her about one thing or another.  
"THUY!! NIRAN!!" Meimei-chan was suddenly jumping and waving at them, and only stopped when Niran-kun waved back with just as much enthusiasm and Thuy-chan smiled at us. She then hit Niran-kun's head and left to go find her bags. He simply followed, not relenting the slightest in irritating her.  
"Do you still have that hat? I'm taking it. You'll never find it~!" I smiled; they had not changed at all._

_After that, Aniki insisted that everyone stay for dinner. Like old times, he had clearly spent hours preparing it, and had in the end made too much for everyone to eat. Even Yong Soo-san had to give up in the end, which was strange because his appetite rivalled everyone's. After that it was just a case of catching up on things. Despite never wanting to work when he was younger, Niran-kun was doing rather well. Thuy-chan was too, but that was expected of her. She was always very hard-working and determined. I felt like we were back at our old house, w=just having a normal dinner. It was sad when it finally came to an end. But unfortunately I had an early consultation about surgery and had to leave early. As I was walking away, I heard a voice behind me.  
"Kiku! Kiku, wait!" I turned and smiled at Thuy-chan.  
"Don't you want to stay with the others?" She shook her head and walked next to me.  
"No, the jetlag's starting to set in, I'd rather go and sleep" I nodded. Aniki had offered to let them stay with him, but because Thuy-chan and Niran-kun are not here for that long, they said they'd just find a nice hotel to stay in and not intrude on Aniki.  
"Kiku...when you say you have to see that doctor...is that because you're sick?" I knew what she was implying. It was not strange that Niran-kun didn't ask – he probably forgot. But I expected it from Thuy-chan sooner or later.  
"Yes, it's about surgery. That's hopefully going to do a lot of good" She nodded, and we walked in silence for a short while.  
"It was a surprise when Meimei told me...it's been years since I heard her cry..." I felt a pang of guilt when I remembered our conversation.  
"Yes, she's not usually one for that. Aniki took it the worst, though" She nodded and smiled slightly.  
"Typical Yao, always getting emotional. He's okay now, isn't he?"  
"Since he heard that I now have until October or November he's been a little bit upset, but he cheered up a lot when he heard that you and Niran-kun were coming" She looked away and mumbled something about Niran-kun not necessarily being a something to look forward to. Then she paused and looked at me again.  
"October or November? That's only eight or nine months" I nodded  
"But we're hoping to make it go away altogether. Then I'll probably be pushed in front of a train by Yong Soo-san" She laughed and agreed, recalling some of the smaller, more amusing things Yong Soo-san had done in the past. We reached a crossroad, where I asked if she knew where she was going.  
"Of course. If the worst comes to worst, I'll call you or Yao"  
"Alright then, Thuy-chan. Be safe" She smiled.  
"Of course."_

It's strange to remember how mature she always was. Next time, however, I'd really like to talk more with Niran-kun. If he has not really changed, then he should have some kind of interesting news.

Kiku. xo

* * *

**AN: Double update, new record :D but icky extra lessons tomorrow mean that I won't finish school until really late, so I don't think I'll be updating tomorrow. I want this to stay in the future though u.u;**

**And this chapter's longer than the others, yay! Thanks again, you guys can take whatever you want out of the magic hat *holds up top hat***


	16. Chapter 16

March 3rd, 2010

Dear Diary,

It's not been long since my family arrived, but I am already very tired. But it has been just like old times – only we have all grown up. Except Niran-kun, the only thing he has done is get bigger. He still annoys Thuy-chan at every possible opportunity and as much as she pretends I can still tell that she does not mind it that much. Karou-kun still has to stop Meimei-chan from being mean to Aniki – he has always been very aware of people's emotions. It always surprised us when he would suddenly come up with reasons for things we could not understand; he was always so quiet. And it was only a matter of time before someone brought Hera-san up – all I did was say one little sentence and now my entire family wants to meet him. I am not worried about whether they will like him so much as whether he will be able to cope with them.

_Niran-kun had been so insistent that we spend one day going around London as a family that we all gave in and did so. Naturally, it rained all day. I knew that Arthur-san would be very upset if he heard me complaining about British weather, but it was rather dismal. I think I saw one small spot of blue appear in the sky before the grey consumed it. Aniki managed to keep us out of it though – he always seemed to find one shop or another which had something 'cute' in it. Although Niran-kun teased him for being such a girl (and earned many slaps on his head from Thuy-chan and Yong Soo-san) Aniki seemed happy with the little pink cats and teddy bears he found. Meimei-chan even managed to get a small lion plushie from Karou-kun. No one questioned it; it was unlikely he would ever tell us why he bought it for her unless he wanted us to know.  
"This place is so dull! Would it kill someone if it was sunny every once in a while!?" Niran-kun complained again. I smiled and laughed slightly, just at the fact that he was still the same.  
"I'm afraid you missed the good weather, Niran-kun. Hopefully there should be more soon" He huffed slightly, but was apparently satisfied with the hope of it. If Niran-kun was anything, he was hopeful._

_It was when Aniki wandered into yet another shop full of various fluffy...things that I managed to make a very bad move. One small figure caught my eye – it was a small, Persian kitten with a toy mouse in its paws. I smiled and picked it up, noticing how soft it was, if obviously synthetic.  
"It looks like Hana-chan..." I did not notice Aniki was right behind me.  
"Who's Hana-chan, aru?" I jumped slightly, and obviously amused him. Sighing slightly at my stupidity, I told him that she was one of Hera-san's cats. I had finally gotten around to naming them all, although it took a long time and I doubt he will remember them all; he has so many cats. But that was really the last of my worries at that time.  
"Of course, aru! The others haven't met him aru!" He clapped his hands together and smiled proudly, but there was a small hint of evil in his eyes. He knew I was not going to like his next suggestion but he was Aniki and he would suggest it anyway. At this point, Karou-kun had come over to investigate why Aniki was talking about.  
"Who have we not met?" I was not so worried about Karou-kun; it was likely that he would simply greet Hera-san, maybe ask him a few things and then disappear. Even still, I worried about Aniki telling him in case one of the others managed to hear.  
"Heracles, aru! Surely Kiku's told you about him aru?" Karou-kun smiled ever so slightly and nodded. Aniki seemed even more pleased by this and continued to discuss something, but he was speaking so fast it was nearly impossible to make out what he was saying.  
"Oh, I know aru! We're all meant to be having dinner together soon, right aru? Bring him then aru!" He nodded, and when Karou-kun did not object and simply returned the nod Aniki seemed satisfied. We all had to quickly follow Yong Soo-san (as he had left the shop and may get hit by a car if left to his own devices) but I knew that Aniki was not letting the matter go. Although I was relieved that he seemed to like Hera-san – as Aniki did have a tendency to be very overprotective – I could not help but remember past family gatherings and wonder if my peaceful Hera-san would be able to cope with the blunt rashness of my family. He already knew Aniki and had met Meimei-chan once, but that was not enough to prepare him for the likes of Yong Soo-san and Niran-kun._

"_Everyone, listen up aru! Kiku's bringing someone to dinner with us all aru!" I slid down inside my jacket slightly, trying to hide. There was an outburst coming, I could feel it. This was the calm before the storm. Everyone was quiet for a moment, and then it began.  
"Who's he bringing?"  
"Is it like, a date? Are we meant to judge them?"  
"Is it Heracles?" Meimei-chan meant well, bless her. But now that this person had an identity all of the questions got more intense.  
"Oh, that Greek guy! Why's he bringing a friend, Aniki?!" Yong Soo-san whined slightly and Aniki sighed, knowing that there would be no end to his questions.  
"Because everyone should meet him while we're all here, aru" Thuy-chan smiled slightly, leaning back to talk to me.  
"So does that mean you two are serious?" I nodded, my embarrassment evident. She smiled again and moved back, content for now. But my peace was short lived when Meimei-chan started laughing.  
"Finally! We – the family – get to decide whether someone is good enough for Kiku-nii!" That was not good. Aniki nodded in agreement, glad that everyone had been relatively normal about it.  
"Have you two had sex yet!?" Typical Niran-kun. __**Very**__ typical Niran-kun. Thankfully, Thuy-chan responded immediately by slapping him.  
"Niran! You don't ask people those things! I'm sorry about him, Kiku" I smiled and dismissed it, even though I was still slightly shocked by it. Niran-kun just mumbled something about it being a normal question and carried on. Karou-kun moved to walk next to me.  
"This should be...interesting, shouldn't it?" I nodded, slightly defeated already.  
"I'm not worried about you, Aniki or Thuy-chan, unless Niran-kun gets really out of control. It's everyone else I'm worried about" Karou-kun tilted his head, confused.  
"But I'm very sure that they will like him..." I shook my head slightly, signalling that I was not worried about that as much.  
"It's whether he can deal with them. He's very absent-minded, and I'm not sure he's used to people like them" Karou-kun did that barely there smile again, and patted my shoulder gently.  
"I'm sure he'll live." I nodded and agreed, hoping that he would. At this point the rain was so heavy that everyone wanted to go home. To be honest, so did I._

_Apparently it was possible for Niran-kun to tire himself out and he was very quiet on the journey home, much to everyone's delight. Yong Soo-san was still trying to make sure that all of Aniki's attention was on him all of the time, and Meimei-chan was happily talking to Karou-kun about something which he would nod and agree to every so often. I happened to be talking to Thuy-chan. We had a normal relationship really; we would fight every now and then, but that was what siblings did. She was one of the best at pretending the incident never happened – she hated the idea of this family splitting up.  
"So, how did you meet this Heracles?"  
"Oh, ano...he's an old friend. He's a vet, so I took Pochi-kun to him whenever he was ill" She smiled and nodded, moving a few strands of hair out of her eyes.  
"You seemed happy today, do you not feel sick?" I shook my head.  
"Not recently, no. I'm still not responding too well, but there are still alternatives" Again, she smiled and even laughed slightly, causing Niran-kun to look over quickly before going back to sleep.  
"That's the Kiku I know, never going down without a fight" I smiled and nodded. That was it._

_I would not lose. Not without giving it my all._

I've told Hera-san about Aniki's plan and he seems happy that my family want to meet him. I tried to warn him about them, but he just laughed and told me that I was probably over exaggerating about it. He said that if anything, he was the one who should be nervous. But Hera-san never seems nervous – I have seen him scared, upset, angry and even violent, but never nervous. It's something just not in his nature, and I am sure it is something that has served him well in his life.

Kiku. xo

* * *

**AN: ARGH HIATUS. AGAIN. Well basically, it's another school related excuse. Huge amounts of last minute coursework (thanks, teachers) and revision. I did a 54 page write up about studies in parks. That's GCSE Geography for you, though. And I know this is unpatriotic, but British history can be really, mind-numbingly boring. But we're learning about Viet now (: Hetalia makes History fun.**

**I'll update later on today (as its 12:30 AM here...) because I really don't want to do my Biology work. Or whatever other homework I have. ):**

**Later guys! :D**


	17. Chapter 17

March 5th 2010

Dear Diary,

Today my family met Hera-san. Needless to say it was something that I had on my mind from the moment I woke up. I tried not to worry too much and told myself that maybe they would be polite around new people, but then I remembered when I ran into some of them with Arthur-san the other day and realised that I could bring the Queen to them and they would still not calm down. I then tried to remember that Thuy-chan was relatively normal (as long as Niran-kun did not do anything too outrageous) and that Aniki already knew Hera-san. Karou-kun was not so much of a worry for me – he was always very polite and quiet so it was unlikely that he would do anything too worrying. But Aniki would probably be keeping Yong Soo-san under control, and the day Niran-kun does not do something apparently offensive to Thuy-chan will be the day I stop eating egg rolls – and I love egg rolls.

_I spent the morning with Dr Roderich. He had brought someone with him: Dr Zwingli, who was a surgeon. Although he seemed like a very scary and difficult man, I could almost sense a softer, possibly feminine side to him. The two rarely even looked at each other, and whenever they did I became quite certain that if this cancer did not kill me, the tension between them would. But Dr Zwingli was very professional and only spoke when necessary. Even still, I felt a lot more comfortable when I left. But then it hit me – this was really happening. I was due to go into surgery in a few months, and apparently I may find myself needing more than one operation. But it was a scary thought, so I chose to ignore it. I would focus on that more when the time came. But with no other plans until that evening, it was hard to find other things to focus on. I was so caught up in my thoughts I did not notice a young lady run straight into me._

_I was about to ask what she was doing until I realised who she was. It was Natalia __Arlovskaya-sama, which only meant that Ivan-sama was nearby.__ She glared for a few seconds, and then jumped to her feet.  
"Have you seen my brother?" I shook my head, fearing that she might think I was lying and demand to know where Ivan-sama was. She scrutinised me for a second before deciding she believed me.  
"You must tell me if you see him." I nodded quickly.  
"Of course, Natalia-sama" She turned quickly when she heard a small rustle in one of the trees and ran off towards it, convinced that is was her brother. Natalia-sama was the one person I feared more than Ivan-sama. I saw her realise that her brother was not hiding behind a tree, become increasingly annoyed and run in another direction, calling for him. I realised that I was still on the ground, and was about to get up when I saw a hand offered to me. I was sure that this was an omen for something, because that hand just happened to belong to Ivan-sama.  
"Forgive her; she's never been very polite. Are you okay, comrade?" I nodded and allowed him to help me up. I was convinced that I would be as lucky as I was last time I met with him.  
"Thank you for not telling her where I was. I'm afraid I wouldn't be very happy with you if you did" Although I genuinely did not know where he was or where he had just appeared from, I decided to go along with his idea that I was covering for him.  
"N-no problem, Ivan-sama. I know you don't like it when Natalia-sama finds you" He shuddered slightly, and for a brief second I pitied him for having to constantly run from her. But that brief second ended when Ivan-sama went back to his normal, terrifying self.  
"Tell me, comrade, why are you here though?" Although it was a perfectly normal question, I still had to consider my answer. Anything could set this man off.  
"Oh, ano...I was coming back from the hospital, and because I had a day to myself...I thought I'd take a walk" I waited for a few seconds to see whether this was an acceptable answer. I think he did not really consider my answer; he just wanted to see how long he could make me uncomfortable for.  
"I see...nothing's gone wrong yet, da?" Oh Kami-sama, there was that smile. The same one which would probably freeze Niran-kun. I was certain that somewhere, Natalia-sama could sense it.  
"N-no, everything's going well!" I laughed nervously and looked away when he did not respond. I honestly wondered how Aniki was able to deal with him.  
"That's good. I shall see you soon, comrade" He disappeared, and I looked around quickly to see whether Natalia-sama was around. She would kill me if she found out I was talking to her brother and not informed her._

_By the time I returned home (which felt longer than usual, as I was still waiting for an enraged Natalia-sama to demand to know why I am stealing her brother from her) I was already exhausted. It was strange; I was used to very active days from my childhood and had gained a lot of stamina over the years from it. This only meant that my illness was finally catching up with me. Oh well, I thought and went to lie down. Maybe if I took a nap before this evening I would regain some of the energy my conversation with Ivan-sama had taken from me. Unfortunately, despite how tired I was, I found myself unable to sleep. I sighed – I hated it when this happened. I needed to find a way to pass the next three hours. I could call someone, but three hours is far too long for a phone conversation. Maybe I could visit someone, but it is rude to show up unannounced. There was no point in cooking something for tonight – Aniki loved anything to do with food, mainly cooking and eating it. It's something we have all learned to leave to him, unless he asks for help. He has always been better at doing that than me. Whenever anyone asked why he found it so easy (that someone usually being me), he would just pat them on the head and tell them that sometimes it's okay to need other people. Still, cooking was something he prided himself on, so it was best to just let him deal with that. Besides, my thoughts were so mixed up that I would probably find myself burning whatever I was cooking or giving up halfway through. I sighed again – I really needed to sleep._

_I woke up to someone trying to bash my door down, and realised what time it was. Apparently I was not unable to fall asleep, and had to try and quickly make myself look presentable.  
"Kiku-nii! Hurry up!" I laughed slightly when Karou-kun felt that he should remind everyone that they were, in fact, early. I noticed when I answered the door that Thuy-chan and Niran-kun were not there.  
"Oh, they're meeting us there~ come on, Kiku-nii, let's go!" Meimei-chan grabbed my sleeve and hurried off down the corridor. She was not worried about being late; as Karou-kun (who was also being dragged by her) had mentioned, we were early. She was just happy, normal Meimei-chan. Yong Soo-san was jumping alongside her, eager as always to go see Aniki. No one knows what exactly caused him to dote on Aniki so much, but it was never a particularly bad thing so no one ever questioned it. In the same way, no one questioned why Meimei-chan preferred me, even though Aniki, Thuy-chan, Meimei-chan and I knew why. _

_Even the journey to Aniki's house was a nightmare. Yong Soo-san was still contentedly going along, occasionally inputting into the main conversation but usually just fought with Meimei-chan. When she was not verbally abusing Yong Soo-san, she was interrogating Hera-san. I wish I could say I was over exaggerating, but I am afraid I was not. I told her to stop when she started to give him her 'serious' look, but he would just dismiss it and tell me she was not hurting anyone. As expected, Karou-kun simply introduced himself, asked a few normal questions and then stopped. He tried to distract Meimei-chan every now and then, but that would only work for so long. Thuy-chan and Niran-kun were already there, and apparently she was already finding various objects to hit him with. If it were not for the fact that he was using it, she may have asked for Aniki's wok. Then again, apparently only he was allowed to hit people with the wok. He appeared from somewhere and invited everyone in, happily continuing to cook more food than necessary, as he always did. Immediately Niran-kun noticed Hera-san and decided that teasing Thuy-chan was not as fun as it was a few minutes ago. He had a new plaything now.  
"Are you Kiku's boyfriend?" Meimei-chan laughed slightly, but waited for Hera-san to respond. He beamed and nodded, and I found myself once again trying to hide inside my clothes. I was not embarrassed by Hera-san at all, but I was embarrassed by Niran-kun's bluntness. He stuck his hand out at Hera-san and grinned.  
"I'm Niran! And that over there's Thuy" Niran-kun pointed to Thuy-chan, who was talking to Karou-kun "Be careful, she hits you if she doesn't like what you say"  
"Niran-kun, you are the only person she hits" He pondered this for a moment, then continued to smile as if he were proud of himself.  
"Yeah, but you never know" And with that he wandered off to Thuy, as if trying to prove his point. As expected, she shouted at him and hit him, and as always that only encouraged him. Hera-san saw my face and laughed.  
"They're not that bad, Kiku." I sighed. They were not that bad yet. Surely when we all sat down to eat things would go wrong. But maybe I was wrong; maybe they could be relatively normal for once.  
"Dinner's ready, aru!" Everyone stopped whatever they were doing at sat down at that oversized table that he has always had ever since we were young. Even with our large family, there was still room left. Aniki was happily telling everyone what he had cooked and that there was plenty, so everyone could just eat until they were full. That meant that we would be there for quite a while. Yong Soo-san complimented everything he ate and Aniki would just smile back, clearly happy with himself. If something was bad, Yong Soo-san would be the first to say so – even if it did mean upsetting Aniki. He was a very honest person.  
"I hope nothing went wrong on the way here, Kiku aru?" Aniki knew that out of everyone, I was the most concerned about this evening. I smiled and told him that apart from Meimei-chan proving herself to be a wonderful interrogation officer, everything was fine.  
"I wasn't interrogating him, Kiku-nii! I was simply asking him things"  
"And 'do you have a criminal record' does not count as interrogating?" Thuy-chan laughed at how typical it was for her to ask all the threatening questions. Meimei-chan insisted that it was an important thing to know.  
"What if you find out that he's a murderer or something? That'd be bad, you know" I sighed and looked apologetically at Hera-san. I noticed Karou-kun ask Meimei-chan something (again, as a distraction) and Aniki just giggle in the background. Trust him to find this amusing.  
"Don't worry, Kiku. She's just being a good sister" Apparently whatever Karou-kun had asked her was no longer important to Meimei-chan.  
"Thank you! I like him, you should keep him" She nodded and continued her conversation. Niran-kun looked like he was going to say something, but Thuy-chan glared at him and he stopped. But all that did was give Yong Soo-san an opening to say something.  
"But what if he's lying? He might secretly work for the Government and be trying to get information from us for something!"  
"What gives you that idea, Yong Soo? Everyone here knows that he's a vet" Even with Thuy-chan's logic, the idea of Hera-san being a secret service officer amused Yong Soo-san greatly, and we spent the next ten minutes listening to his ridiculous questions, which Hera-san played along with. I only hoped that Yong Soo-san knew he was joking._

_That is basically how dinner went – someone making any remark and that being the topic of conversation until someone else said something. I lost count of the amount of times Thuy-chan hit Niran-kun for asking 'impolite' questions. Although really, I knew that Niran-kun could have been a lot worse. Karou-kun even joined in sometimes, often siding with Meimei-chan. Throughout dinner Hera-san went from being an astronaut to a secret millionaire to the inventor of light sabers. How Niran-kun came up with that is beyond me, and even Aniki assured him that Hera-san did not invent light sabers.  
"Well of course he didn't, I did!" Yong Soo-san stated proudly. Thuy-chan offered me an encouraging look while Aniki reminded Yong Soo-san that he was not an inventor. Even with all this, my family are only human and eventually everyone grew tired.  
"Hey, Kiku, you look tired, aru. You should go home aru" I shook my head. As long as Thuy-chan was talking to Hera-san about Kami knows what, I decided I might as well stay and help Aniki clear up. Although he clearly did not seem satisfied with my response, he did go any further. He was the last person you would find trying to make people go away.  
"It didn't go too badly aru. Things could have been much worse aru" He smiled and happily washed his beloved wok. I smiled and agreed, noticing the strong sense of déjà vu I was having. For a while we just continued to clear up in silence, but it was okay because over the years it had been made comfortable. I used to help him clear up a lot, as the others would always find something else to do. Occasionally, Yong Soo-san would also help, but would soon get bored and probably find something in my room which he could steal. Sometimes I would even notice my underwear in his room. I decided very quickly that I just did not want to know why. Thuy-chan would sometimes help too, but sooner or later Niran-kun would take up all of her attention. They were the only two who were still here apart from me and Hera-san. But once again, Niran-kun had tired himself out (by simply being himself) and had fallen asleep on one of the armchairs.  
"How was the hospital, aru?" Aniki's voice took on a sadder, more serious tone.  
"It was fine. I'm due for surgery in two months" He nodded, and I noticed that he had been washing that wok for a while now. He only ever did that when his mind was elsewhere.  
"Don't think about it, Aniki. It's just one of those things you can't avoid" I found this new role reversal slightly amusing – now I was the optimistic one and Aniki was the one who needed convincing. He smiled back and finally put the wok down. I knew that was not the end of this conversation, but Thuy-chan had decided to wake Niran-kun up so that they could leave, and I felt that Hera-san and I should do the same._

It's been a long day today. I think I'll just spend tomorrow asleep; I'm far too tired to consider doing anything else. I was justglad that today did not go as badly as I had anticipated. That said, I had anticipated things being thrown out of windows. It has happened before, really.

Kiku. xo

* * *

**AN: Ah, I gave in and did my Biology and my History questions. But hey, I also wrote this too! And managed to work in some more of everyone's favourite psychos 3 I've realised that I'll never keep this ahead of date, but I'll try and catch up time. I need to stop going away for so long -.-;**

**New worry: French orals have been moved to next month. I do Spanish, but I think they might move all the languages to then as well. I need more time damn it! D: And I get my exam timetable next week...but only eight weeks to go! Yay!! 8D **

**On another note (long AN is long, I know), saw the previews of China's new songs. They're so pretty~ I want a Yao. I really do. ): **

**Love to you all~!**


	18. Chapter 18

March 7th, 2010

Dear Diary,

It seems that my family have come to this decision that if we spend more than a week together, someone will die. Who that someone will be is hard to tell, but it is something we seem to have worked out. I cannot understand how we were able to spend so much time alone together when we were younger. I suppose now that everyone is older (and more easily annoyed, not to name any names of course) and because we have all been apart for so long, it might take a while for everyone to get used to being together again. As much as I may love them all, I needed to have a day where we were not trying to stop Thuy-chan from beating Niran-kun with various objects or prying Yong Soo-san away from Aniki. I am only human, after all.

_It probably would have seemed rude for me to not want to see everyone today, if it were not for the fact that most of my siblings had the same idea – especially Aniki. He just laughed and told me he was getting too old for this. I only nodded and smiled back, but really that was exactly what I thought too. For once though, the weather here seemed to be on our side – although it was slightly overcast, it was a warm, still day with occasional bursts of sunlight. And really, that is something remarkable, considering how...well, British the weather had been lately. Of course, if Arthur-san knew that I thought of rain and wind as typically British weather, he would not be very impressed – he is very patriotic. Even though the UK is famous for its terrible weather. I would have gone for a walk, but the last two times that happened I ran into possibly the scariest people I know. All I needed to do now was run into their elder sister, Katyusha-san, which was not so bad because she was not like her other siblings. The last time I saw her; she started crying at Ivan-sama and then ran away. She is a strange girl, but as far as I know she is completely harmless. Even so, I did not want to risk Natalia-sama or Ivan-sama coming back. Maybe I would be less worried about seeing them if I were with someone else to begin with? I tried to think of who else there was: Arthur-san was at his publishers and would probably want to spend the day with Alfred-san anyway, just to prove to him that Britain could be nice. I wondered briefly is Hera-san had to work today. He mentioned something about swapping shifts with Gutpa-san because he needed the time for something else. Hera-san sort of trailed off and glared at nothing when he was talking about it, so I can only assume it meant Sadiq-san. I smiled slightly. Although the two apparently really hated each other, nobody knew why and it was sometimes amusing to watch Hera-san talk about him. I also remembered that he got two new kittens, which were probably unnamed (as most of his cats tend to be if no one else names them). I smiled again, realising that it was unfair on these new little kittens to not have names when all the others did. But first I had to call to make sure it was okay for me to come over – it would be rude if I just appeared unannounced.  
"A-ano...Hera-san?"  
"Hmm...hello, Kiku..."I could tell that he had only just woken up, even though it was nearly midday. I wondered how he could sleep for so long.  
"Ah, hello...I was just wondering, because I remember you telling me about your kittens, if I could come over?" It was a bit pathetic, using kittens as an excuse to see him. I sighed and mentally scolded myself for not being as outspoken as my other siblings (except for Karou-kun).  
"Sure, they're hiding right now though...Kiku?"  
"Yes?"  
"You don't always have to call, you know" Although he was not there, I still blushed slightly at the idea of it. It seemed so impolite._

_We spent a good ten minutes searching for the fabled animals. I knew that I was looking for a small grey cat with black stripes, a little bit like a tiger and a tortoise shell. We eventually found them under a table, hiding behind another black and white cat which had apparently decided that the kittens were theirs. I picked one up and let her try to catch my finger, while Hera-san took the other.  
"Honestly, Hera-san. What happened to make them hide all the time?" He shrugged.  
"Not sure, someone brought them in at work, said they just found them in a box outside their house" I looked at the little bundle of fur in my hand, and let her catch my finger once. She mewed happily and bit at it. She was still too young for her teeth to pierce my skin yet.  
"How old are they?" Hera-san shrugged again, tickling his cat.  
"We're guessing two weeks, maybe two and a half" I gasped – they were tiny, but I had no idea they were that young. How could someone leave them out there like that when they were clearly too young to defend themselves? I pulled my finger back and the kitten instantly reached for it again.  
"Was there anything wrong with them?" He shook his head, rubbing the cat's head.  
"Nothing at all. Just two, perfectly healthy cats" I mimicked him, shaking my head in disgust. I knew times were hard, but I still did not understand how people could be that heartless.  
"Anyway, no one claimed them so I took them in" I smiled at him. Anyone else would have said that in all seriousness, yet he still sounded half-asleep and casual about it. The cat in my hand mewed again and started looking around. Hera-san smiled as the other copied him. I looked down at the cat and smiled – he was very cute.  
"Can I name this one?" Hera-san nodded without looking up. He was holding a large syringe – almost like ones children play with – full of milk and feeding the kitten. He explained that they were too young to eat proper food yet. That did explain why they started looking around – they were hungry.  
"I think I'll name him Saito" I nodded at the decision and stroked the kitten under his chin, making him purr slightly. Apparently Saito-kun seemed happy with it as well. We swapped when he had to feed Saito-kun – apparently it was easier said than done. Hera-san also left me to name the other one, which was probably best – I knew he would never do it. I really had no idea why he loved cats so much, yet never named any of them. I would go mad if I had left Pochi-kun unnamed. In the end, we settled on Tilly. It was a typical name, but it seemed to suit her. All she did in response to this was fall asleep, but Hera-san has made me realise that it's not always necessarily a bad thing. I put her down with her 'mother' cat and sat down, only for another cat to appear and try to attack my feet.  
"Hera-san, how do you manage to find all of these cats? They seem to just fall out of the sky for you" He laughed and nodded, putting Saito with his sister.  
"The same way you always manage to find yourself alone with potential murderers" I shuddered slightly when he brought that up. I will not be surprised if Natalia-sama or Ivan-sama manage to kill someone at some point. It will most likely be Natalia-sama though – to her, even looking at her brother is offensive. I may complain about my family a lot, but I could not be more thankful that my sisters are not like that. I wondered what it was like for Hera-san, having no siblings. Whether or not Gutpa-san counts is debatable – it seems that the two have known each other longer than Hera-san and Sadiq-san have known each other. Hera-san told me that their mothers were very close, and from what I have heard I can only assume that it was Gutpa-san's mother who started Hera-san's love for cats. _

_I returned home later that evening to find a message left for me. I tried to think of who it could have been – almost everyone I knew had my mobile number and no one tried to call me during the day. Confused, I checked to see what the message had to say.  
"Kiku, this is Dr Roderich speaking. I know I'm not supposed to see you until next week, but it would really be in your best interest to book an appointment with Dr Zwingli this week to discuss surgery. You know that the chemotherapy is not working as well as we had hoped, which is why this is necessary."_

Ah.

I did call Dr Zwingli, and he is a very scary man. Not as scary as Ivan-sama of course, but still. I feel nervous about being left alone in a room with him. But if this is necessary, then I suppose I can do it. After all, I'm known for my endurance.

Kiku. xo

* * *

**AN: El año pasado, fui de vacaciones a--*slaps* SHUT UP CHILD. You haven't forgotten about me, have you? ****Well that little bit was a part of my Spanish presentation because I have my oral on the 29****th****. Joy of joys -.- and I got my full exam timetable. I finish on June 17****th**** :D YAY. But I have like, 19 exams before that so not yay. Oh well, two weeks off = time to relax. Hopefully. I have a huge pile of books which are glaring at me because I'm not revising right now, but I just did an hour of history so I'm ignoring them.  
Ah, everyone who's actually still reading this are the most patient people alive. Medals all round! Only...I have none ): woe is me.  
Ah, and the kitten thing is actually based on what happened at my work experience. I really wanted to have a Rena moment and take them home, they were so cute. Just abandoned as well, poor loves. But one of the vets took them in so it's happy ending for everyone! Oh, and one last serious note:**

**You're gonna get taken home.**


	19. Chapter 19

April 2nd, 2010

Dear Diary,

Forgive me for leaving such a large gap between my entries. My schedule had been more or less the same – weekly radiotherapy sessions and spending the rest of my time with my friends and family. Recently I've begin to feel the cancer really take its toll on me – I'm becoming much weaker and I feel quite nauseous all the time. I've been given medicines and diet plans to help control this, but it's still there. I've also lost a lot of weight (due to the sickness), but hopefully this new diet should help me to control that too. Aniki was especially upset when this started to happen, but even now he still hasn't fully accepted that I'm sick. I do hope Ivan-sama takes care of him should this treatment not work. I've also had a few appointments with Dr. Zwingli about the impending surgery. It's been scheduled for two months time. He said it was so I had plenty of time to still change my mind, but I am very sure that I won't. Even if all of the treatment does fail, I would at least like to die knowing that I gave myself the best chance possible, and I would like everyone to remember that too. But I still have not gotten over how scary Dr. Zwingli is, and I feel slightly awkward about the idea of him personally being the one to perform surgery on me. From what I've seen, he has a little sister. I am quite certain that she is his sister – she looks a lot like him and he has plenty of pictures of her. Maybe he does have a nice side after all. I really hope that no one makes him angry during surgery.

_After leaving the hospital from yet another appointment and radiotherapy session, I really wanted to see Hera-chan. He had gone back to Greece for a few days (for the anniversary of his mother's death), but he returned yesterday. Although I was sure he would be tired, I knew how he is and that he would prefer company to being alone. Hera-chan is many things, but he is not a solitary person. Still, it would be best if I called him first – there are some times when he would prefer to be alone. However, he seemed happy that I wanted to see him, which was something that surprised me. He should know by now that I always want to see him. Of course, I find it hard to tell him that. Another thing that I would not tell him was I finally worked out why Sadiq-san was so familiar – I used to work with him years ago, before I became an artist. I wondered why I stopped talking to him, from what I remembered we were quite good friends._

_Hera-chan seemed to have acquired yet more cats. What stunned me the most were not the cats themselves, but the fact that I had even noticed. He has so many that it is hard to tell. Corporal Cat seems to be the most memorable, but whether it is because he is so bubbly or his ridiculous name is hard to tell.  
"How was the appointment today, Kiku?"  
"He was as scary as ever, but we've decided on a date for the surgery" I was certain that for a fraction of a second, I saw concern flash in Hera-chan's eyes. Even though I knew he was as upset about this as Aniki, he did a much better job of hiding it. I liked to think that he did it to protect me, even though I would prefer him to be more open – I'm starting to get used to people expressing themselves.  
"Oh...that's good then, isn't it?" I smiled at him.  
"Yes it is, if it works then it should raise my chances drastically" He allowed the happiness to linger a little longer in his eyes that time. My stomach always fluttered a little when he smiled. I noticed several cats around my feet, and wondered why they were not warded off by the scent Pochi has not warded them off. Maybe they were as daring as their owner.  
"How was your trip?" I tried to avoid bringing up his mother – for years he had believed that she was just missing, until he received a phone call telling him that she was dead. Even though it was many years ago, it is still a sensitive subject for him. Knowing how it was to have something you never wished to discuss, I slightly understood how he felt and how to not talk about it. Come to think of it, I know many people with such a memory.  
"The weather was nice...you should come with me sometime" I blushed not only at the severity of the offer, but at the implication that I would still be alive the next time he went – Hera-chan never went home often. I hoped that I would be; I had always wanted to go to Greece. I smiled again.  
"That would be nice" _

_We talked for hours, just about anything. Unlike anyone else, Hera-chan made no comments on the fact that I did not eat as much and that I was noticeably thinner. He did not have to though – I could tell that he saw it. Try as he might, he could not hide the worry that time, and I felt guilty for having these after effects. I assumed that aster this was over I would be able to put the weight back on. I mentally smiled at my own optimism, even though it was not that as much as it was the trademark Japanese fighting spirit. Arthur-san had told me that in England, it was called the 'Blitz spirit'. Either way, they both sounded very encouraging. We discussed his new cats, how Gutpa-san had been, work and laughed at the memories of when he met my family. Even now, that day is still amusing to us all. It was one of the memories I would use to fight off all the bad thoughts that I got when I would try to sleep at night. Hera-chan also showed me how to cook one of his favourite traditional Greek dishes and some desserts. I noticed that every dessert seemed to have honey, almonds or both in them. I guess some stereotypes are there for a reason. I doubt I would do so well making the dishes on my own, but I still thought the gesture was sweet, and he seemed extremely happy to be able to share them with me. One day, I would return the favour for him. Maybe when I start to get my strength back._

_It was because I was feeling weak that I eventually left. As expected, Hera-chan refused to let me go home on my own despite my protests.  
"What if you feel really bad or something happens on the way? I'll drive you home"  
"T-that's not necessary, Hera-chan..."  
"It is if you feel weak" I could tell from his tone that I was fighting a losing battle, and eventually gave in. Ignoring his slightly victorious smirk, I followed him downstairs and got into the car. I remembered Alfred-san telling me that in Manhattan, around 60% of people did not have cars because it was so difficult to park. I made a mental note to one day go to Manhattan to find out. I also wanted to see if the buildings were as tall as he said they were. When I thought about it, there were lots of places that I wanted to see. Either I survived this or I had a lot of travelling to do in the next few months. When we arrived at my apartment (Hera-chan had even made sure that I had managed to walk up to it), I thanked him again for taking me home.  
"You know I worry about you..." I sighed.  
"I know, but you shouldn't go out of your way. I would have made it home perfectly fine" This time, he smiled at me.  
"It wasn't out of my way, I would've worried until I heard from you" I sighed again, but smiled back at him.  
"Honestly, you spend too much time worrying. You'll make yourself ill one day!" We both laughed, and for that moment I forgot that there was anything wrong with the world.  
"Then you can take care of me...anyway, sleep well, Kiku" As he always did, Hera-chan kissed me as if I would not wake up tomorrow. Every time he did, I understood what all those books meant when they said people were swept off their feet or their hearts skipped a beat.  
"You too, Hera-chan. I'll talk to you tomorrow" Another one of his breathtaking smiles before he turned to leave and I opened the door._

_I was not tired, and I envied Pochi for being able to fall asleep on the sofa so easily. He usually slept on my bed, but I was sure that he would come into my bedroom once he knew I was home. It's amazing what comfort a pet can bring when you find yourself truly alone. That being said, it's amazing how awful the feeling of being truly alone is, especially when so many people say that they're always there for you. I really do not like troubling people with my personal issues. Everyone has their own things to deal with, negative or not. Arthur-san has his book, Hera-chan has his cats, Francis-san has his social life and the list goes on. I found myself once again wishing that Things would just go back to the way they were. For the first time since I had been diagnosed, I felt like giving up._

Of course, I cannot give up; that is not who I am. I am Kiku Honda and I will not die. I will not let something like this kill me off. Not yet. This is what I have to keep on telling myself, otherwise I fear that I might just call Dr. Zwingli and cancel the surgery, and just let this take me. In the older days of Japan, warriors would rather kill themselves than surrender. I wonder if that could apply here.

Kiku. xo

**AN: SWEET MOTHER OF PLATO ON A STICK MERRYXMAKING, DID YOU JUST UPDATE THIS STORY? I was actually going to give up on this (hence the long hiatus), but due to a certain someone *cough*Gosangoku*cough* I've kept with it. Still debating how it will end though. And I'm not having him update every few days or so because that was just murder. **

**I promise lemon soon! Like, the next chapter or so soon. So please forgive me TT^TT but I also had to revise for my GCSEs, do my GCSEs and now I get my results in 13 days. I'm absolutely terrified. Oh well! lD**

**I love you guys, seriously. **


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